He is the reason for the beautiful life

I have been living a lot in my memories of Clayton lately. I miss him more & more, the pain doesn't ever go away. Especially since miss Kendall has arrived. If anything it's worse, because I am aware of all that we have missed with Clayton. A lot of memories have come back as I look at his little sister Kendall, I am in awww over how much they look alike! I often wonder if he would have acted like her, the funny faces and expressions with the little bit of sassiness at times, or when she's super smiley and happy to see you come morning,   As I look at Kendall, I am reminded of her big brother so much. When I'm up at night nursing her, I think about him and how I never got to experience so much with him. It something just really hard to take. I lost our future with him. I know that it was in God's plan, but WOW is it still hard to swallow. It's hard, hard to be so very happy that you have a healthy beautiful daughter, but on the other hand, you lost your infant son, just 1 short year ago. . There are a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. & trying to find a balance is what im trying to put a handle on. I love Kendall so much and couldn't imagine our lives without her, so I am thankful for that & I am thankful for Clayton who allowed us to be his parents, showing us the meaning of life & true love. For he is the reason for the beautiful life we have today. That is something that can never be taken away.Kendall is such a beautiful gift, but I know it will never replace Clayton, or even come close. It will hopefully help mend my heart, but it will never fix it.

I miss you little buddy- XOXO 

1 year ago

Today, 1 year ago, we said our "see you laters" to Clayton. I don't like to think of it as us saying our "goodbyes" because we told him, we'd be with him always and "see him later" in heaven.  We had prepared to let him go onto heaven, where we knew his life would be beautiful.  It was the hardest, yet easiest decision of our lives. Hard to let the love of your life go, but easy because it was the wonderful life Clayton deserved.  As parents you dream of giving your child everything they need & providing a wonderful life for them, with Clayton we were giving that to him earlier, the gift of a wonderful life in heaven, free from pain and limitations.
As this year has passed, I can't believe how far we have come, in our grieving, in our love & in the blessings we've been given. Today, I am forced right back to the day 1 year ago & I can't believe we have survived. I remember his sweet face & smell and how I kissed his cheeks, just like it was yesterday.  I remember Marcus & I telling him, it was ok to go, to go onto heaven. That still shakes me to my core when i think about it, but I have a smile on my face today because I know we did the right thing for him.
We love you Clayton Michael Henning, you wil forever be our little boy & we can't wait until we can see you again. Until then, may you have a wonderful life in heaven.

XOXO

Kendall is 1 month old!

Today Kendall is 1 month old! I am more in love with her now than the moment I saw her sweet face. It's beyond words how lucky we are and how truly blessed we are to be her parents. 

I have been dreading the 1 month birthday of Kendall, for the reason of it's the first physical milestone she gets, that Clayton didn't. I thought about it on Wednesday when Kendall was 26 days old, the same Clayton was when we flew away to heaven. It's a hard thing to swallow. Here we are so happy and celebrating miss Kendall, all the while still grieving for Clayton and the milestones he DIDN'T get. It's hard. I think of him everyday. I miss him more and more. Especially when I look at miss Kendall and know the reason for her. She is here because of the loss of her brother. Thats something!!! . I find myself getting lost in my days, busy with being a mommy. But I haven't forgotten Clayton or to be thankful, thankful for the life I have been given and the blessings. I miss Clayton so terribly much and I know that I will continue to miss milestones of his, but I know he is right there with us, celebrating Kendall's along the way.

So happy 1 month miss Kendall & thank you Clayton for allowing it.

 Kendall's newborn pictures

XOXO

May you forever rest in peace

 Today I have done a lot of "thinking" about the past year and the losses & gifts we were given. With almost a year since Clayton flew with the angels onto heaven, we have lost another member of our family. 
Some of you may not know, but Marcus' uncle Steve lost his courageous battle with esophageal cancer on June 7th 2012. Steve was 40 years old, married and the father to 5 children. Losing Steve, almost 1 year after Clayton, it's brought back a lot of emotions & memories. While I said that we would not be "celebrating" Clayton's anniversary of his passing, I do still have it on my mind. Steve's Funeral was the first for us after Clayton's. It was again, bittersweet. As I carried my sweet baby girl into the church among the family per-session, I was reminded how it felt to walk in empty armed at Clayton's. As the pastor read aloud Steve's obit, the last line was about the people whom passed on before Steve. Clayton Michael Henning, was the last of those read. I know that Clayton was waiting in heaven for Steve's arrival, but it just was hard to hear, out loud, what we went through just 1 year ago. As I watched Marcus, as a pallbearer, so proudly carry his uncle to his final resting place, I couldn't help but weep for him. He was so strong. His heart had to be hurting and thinking of Clayton too. 

We know that both Clayton & Steve are in a wonderful place & finally free from pain. They are finally getting the chance to meet each other and oh what a joyous sight that must be.

May you forever rest in peace Steve & may you enjoy all your days in heaven until we can meet again.