you can't take that away from me

Today, as I drove down the same streets I have for 14 months now on my way to the University of Iowa hospitals and clinics. I was struck-en with some unforeseen grief. I was remembering every morning Marcus & I made the journey to iowa city to be with Clayton, and now here I was 14 months later, driving Kendall to her 2 month doctor appointment. I was in shock, I have done such a good job of handling my grief and for this moment I couldn't. I missed Clayton, and part of me was angry we weren't going to the doctor for him. Yes I am so thankful I have Kendall, but for that moment I just wanted Clayton back!  Lately I have been seeing a lot of babies, pregnant ladies and hearing people talk about if they are having a boy or a girl, someone saw kendall and said to me, "oh boys,ahhh, I'd love to have a girl" all I said was, " yeah she's great, but boys are great too." I walked away thinking, what i wouldn't give to have my boy back! I just wanted to tell her, be grateful for what you have, not all of us are that fortunate. I love Kendall to pieces, with everything I have and am, but I just want Clayton back. I just miss him.  I find enormous comfort in the fact that miss Kendall looks so much like him. It's just that little reminder of him that allows me to be ok. When I want to remember his sweet look, she gives me it. Both Kendall & Clayton love/d bath time! So bathtime is enjoyable for all of us! I will never get over loosing Clayton, but I have learned how to deal with it, to go on with life, with a smile on my face and his memory in my heart. He will always be our son, and no one can take that away from us.

We love & miss you Clayton. May you have a wonderful day in heaven with Jaxson & Ben and everyone else we know. We love you.

praying for peaceful days

This week has been tough, I have been missing Clayton all the while I am struggling with daycare and the idea of sending miss Kendall away to someone. Someone who doesnt know how much I love her and the journey we've been on to get her. I don't want to bring attention to ourselves, but I am having a hard time. I know that every other parent loves their child just as much as we do, but for me it's just very tough to let her go. Especially after what we have been through. I realize that I will never find someone - who isn't me, to watch her, I just hope i can find someone who understands where we have been and will love her like we do. I am struggling with that idea that I had to let Clayton go, and this almost feels like that.  I really didn't think i would feel this way about daycare, but it's snuck up on me this week. The reality that i have to go back to work and back to some sort of normal.
I am still grieving the loss of Clayton and I think that's why this is so hard. I have a lot going on, and im just trying to find a balance. I know in my heart things will all work out for the best, but until then I will just pray for some peaceful days.
xoxo