I have to be happy, but I dont have to stop missing my son

I have been avoiding blogging lately & I need to get back to it. I have always blogged when I needed some relief, relief from my grief without bothering others with my story.  I have been doing pretty well so I have avoided the blog, however I knew days like this would come. Where I just can't seem to find peace with Clayton's death. Where my life & it's events just pile up and get overwhelming With life's daily pieces, I always go back to loosing Clayto. It's just the little piece I'm missing, but it's the little piece that puts me in check & reminds me to be grateful.

But it doesn't take away that I just MISS CLAYTON. I am angry this happen, I am sad Kendall doesn't have a big brother that is here on earth. I am upset I didn't get the fairy tale ending with him; the one so many people get but don't realize how blessed they are.  It just hurts, and it sucks!! I still find myself being uncomfortable with pregnant ladies who get that worry free pregnancy, or hearing people talk about wanting a boy or girl, or when someone is yelling at their kids or bitching about them. I want to scream out, I LOST MY SON & HE'S NEVER COMING BACK. but I can't. I have to keep it together. I have to go on, I have to be happy. But I dont have to stop missing my son. I think I've learned how to cope quite well, however there are days when I want to go back, back to the hospital and just be with Clayton. Hold him again, and just be.

Marcus & I were talking the other night and I confessed I was lately having a hard time, we have slowly stopped talking about Clayton, and that was hurting me. We have been so absorbed in Kendall and the daily life of taking care of a newborn, that I feel like we've forgotten to remember Clayton. I think about him all the time and thank him everyday for his little sister. Along with Marcus & I not talking much about him, I feel like other's dont either. & that's hard.I dont want to forget him & the love he was about & that has me struggling.
Tomorrow is a big day for us, Kendall is to start daycare. She is going to a wonderful 2nd mommy, & I know she is in the best hands besides mine, but it's hard. Hard not only because she wont be with me 24/7, but hard because this is yet another "milestone" that we didnt get with Clayton & that hurts. Everything she gets to do, I'm just sad because he didn't get to. I know tomorrow will be fine! I just have to remember Clayton will be there beside mommy & daddy as we drop Kendall off.