Happy 5 month B-day Clayton Michael

Happy Birthday little man, wow you'd be 5 months old.
Time has gone so fast, I laid in bed last night, saying my usual prayers for Clayton, and I thought back to the day he was born. What a day that was! I will always cherish the moment I saw him, I will never forget the amount of Love i instantly felt. That will never go away. Clayton will always be our first born & he will always be the Love of our life.

This is my all time favorite picture of sweet Clayton, so on today, his 5 month birthday & a hawks game, I thought it was perfect.

Happy Birthday little man, we love you so very much!
XOXO

October is infant loss month-

So as October is drawing to end, I am finding myself healing wonderfully. I sometime can't believe how well were doing and its only been 4 months since Clayton went to heaven. I never thought I would have made it this far, but then i am reminded that, yes i would have, Clatyon wanted that for us. To be ok. So with that, October is infant loss month, so I thought I'd share a beautiful article sent to me by another mother, who also lost her son, to Myotubular Myopathy. It's the best way I can explain how it feels to be a mother of a baby in heaven. Some of you will never know what its like (thank God for that) but here is just a glimpse of what its like, at least on some days!

Miss you so very much Clayton Michael-

The heartbreak of infant loss

By Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

XOXO- 

if we were in vegas- we'd put our money on it!!

So the topic of other children often comes up, & I sometime think people are afraid to ask me, they might think its too soon or that im not ready to talk about. Well i am, its the main thing on my mind, how to grow my family. This is not the way we hoped or dreamed it to be, but God, Clayton & us did not want our family to start & end this way. Since the beginning i have been researching my tail off about Myotubular Myopathy and our future children options. As a carrier of Myotubular Myopathy (MTM) I have a 50% chance of each sex having the disease,  but 75 % of a healthy, living, breathing, striving child.(granted nothing else goes wrong, but thats a whole other blog)   During my early stages of research I was told that 50/50 was our chances, but after doing a little soul searching we realized that yes a girl could be a carrier, but the disease would not affect her quality of life. yes she would be a carrier, but she would be like me, & whats wrong with me ( ha ha I bet marcus could beg to differ) so realistically we have 75% chance, & like my doctor said, if this was Vegas, we'd put our money on that! So the route of getting pregnant naturally, just like most of you & then waiting for CVS testing to tell us if the baby is affected. That has been the route we think is right for us. Not to say that we dont think its going to be the most mentally draining and trying time in our lives.  I read a wonderful quote one time and it said,

and thats what I have to remember. This life hasn't been easy, although there are definitely days I just pray for it to be easy! while talking with Marcus the other night, I asked why this has to be so hard, he said, "cause we can handle it! plus what fun is life if its easy!?" I thought about that, he's right, but you know, sometime i just wish it were a little easier! just for a moment!
 This isn't the life I dreamed of having, but its the life I have been given, so I better make the best of what I have. Because really somewhere, somehow, someone has it worse than me.  So I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful for the ability to grow my family, as difficult as it might be, I still have that gift!
Yes the days of, I wish this wasn't me, or why can't i just get what they have; play through my mind & for a moment I believe them & let them take over, but then Marcus reminds me, it will work out for us, we will get what we want, this will NOT defeat us. This is not the way the story will end.
When I hear an announcement of pregnancy, or see a newborn baby, I know in my heart, that will be us someday & we will have what we deserve, maybe not when we want to, but when GOD wants us to.

so until then, I hold out hope, remember the wonderful son I DO have & trust that God wants us to have a happy ending!

make today a beautiful day, if not for you, for someone else! XOXO

what are the whispers in your life?

I'm learning to appreciate the life I've been given. Some days better than others I can admit. But the days that are tough, I just take a deep breath, look around me, remember Clayton & then I realize, I'm ok. This is the life we've been given.

 I appreciate so much more these days, just the little things. Do you ever look to the clouds? What are they telling you? Trust me, take some time & just look up, let your mind wander. They are telling you something its just a matter of listening!

Everything in our life is telling us something, things happen for reasons. Life has an "ah ha" moment, as Oprah would say. Its just if were in tune with ourselves to hear that moment.
I think about the wishers in my life a lot, what is it telling me. Its telling me "we will be ok, this is what was planned." Even though I didnt hear  it before, or really like it, its it.  When it all boils down. I am who I am now because of this, we CAN have a family, it may not look like the one i had in mine, it may not arrive the way i thought it would, it may not even look the way i thought it should, but I will have a family, of my own, someday.

So with that, I am noticing to appreciate the little things, because they are what is making up of my life! the little whispers in life.
think about what are the whispers in your life?
your life is speaking to you, what is it saying?

XOXO- 

wherever you are- my love will find you

So you often hear me refer to Clayton's book or Clayton's story, well I'm talking about the best book ever!
"wherever you are, my love will find you" by Nancy Tillman.
This book is a must have for kids & adults! I was so excited this last weekend while out shopping, to see Kohl's had it as their special book & for $5!!! (kohls cover is different)
This is a book is my "must give" as a gift for children or baby gifts, I want everyone to know the power of love & why this book was so special to Clayton, Marcus & I. & why it has become the story behind his life!

So a little history on how this all came about to be "his" book-

So back when Marcus & I first found out we were expecting, I was at Target in the kids book section, & I find this book, I start to read it, as Im standing in the isle reading, tearing up, i realize i HAD to have it! It was so true! So I bought the book, long before anyone knew we were expecting. I'd read it occasionally while I was pregnant. Then when Clayton was born & so sick it was a must in the NICU, Marcus & I often read it to him and I could tell, he loved it as much as we did. Then after Clayton passed, the book made all the more sense and fit our story so much more. Love was now following him onto heaven. Wherever he was going, our love was finding him. At his funeral Chaplin Noelle read the book, we had wanted her to because it was the story behind our love for Clayton & we wanted him & everyone else to know the true love. I still read the book, when I'm having a hard day or just when I feel like it. I go in the nursery, sit in the recliner, & read, I sometimes read aloud, but others I just read to myself & Clayton. Because he will always be my first son & this will always be HIS book!

the little sparkles are the LOVE following wherever you go

"And if someday you’re lonely,
or someday you’re sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you’ve been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of
the sea... in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree... in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

“You are loved. You are loved. You are
loved,” they all say.

I am in love with this book & it's message. It's a beautiful story of Love. And that was all the Clayton's life was about, LOVE.

No matter where you go Clayton, my Love will find you!

Because  

YOU ARE LOVED