Happy 6 month birthday little man

Happy 6 month birthday Clayton Michael Henning!

Where in the heck did 6 months go? Oh how I have missed Clayton. The last week it's really been getting to me, the fact that we're not watching him grown, keeping "everything" out of his mouth, watching him learn to crawl, kissing his sweet face & watching him gaze at the christmas decorations. I am just realizing he's not here, I mean I knew, but it's just been hard lately.  I think so much of it has to do with the wonderful blessing we've been given, expecting his little sister. We are so over the moon excited about it, but part of me just feels guilty & sad for Clayton. I wanted to raise him. I know that he wanted this for us & I am so incredibly grateful for that, It's just hard. It's the first major time since Clayton went to heaven, that i've thought about baby stuff.  Which means "his" baby stuff. Some days im ok & I'm thinking about names and such, but others I am just sad for Clayton. It's not fair.

I know I'll be ok, but for now I just want my moment to miss him & be sad for what were missing out on with him.

Tomorrow I have my 15 week maternity check with Doc. Jen, I'm really looking forward to it! There are just certain people in my life, that always have the right words to say. I am again so very thankful for the wonderful people in our lives, that just know when & what to say. When you loose a child, no one has written a book on how to deal with it, but I feel like a lot of the chapters come from your friends & family who always know the right things to say. So thanks!

I also want to apologise for the lack of thankfulness days- It's not that I'm not thankful, because I am, i've just had some trying times & I have had a tough time blogging. 

So on today, Clayton's 6month birthday, I am thankful for him- for the picture I have of him with his little foe-hawk & his sea horse, because of that picture, I smile!

  Happy 6 month Birthday Clayton- we love you so very much!

pink blessings

November 20th-- I am thankful for little pink blessings.
After many stressful & anxious weeks, we are so excited to announce, Clayton is going to be a big brother! We will be welcoming a little girl at the end of may.  We are so increadiably grateful & blessed. Clayton has been a busy little boy in heaven, helping mommy & daddy with their dreams. Our CVS testing was last tuesday, & results in on thursday & its a GIRL!!! a baby girl free from myotubular myopathy!! I can not tell you how stressful this has been, I prayed so hard for a healthy baby. Through the Love & support of Marcus & Clayton, we have gotten the healthy baby! It is very bittersweet, but I know Clayton was the reason for all of this. He will always be our first born & always the love of our lives, now he'll also be a big brother!

I am thankful for my little guiding light

November 16th- i am thankful for truly getting the real meaning of life. I am so very thankful that the birth & loss of Clayton has taught me what life is all about. It has enabled me to appreciate life & the things it offers. I try my hardest everyday- not to complain,I try to be positive & I try to be kind to others. I may have days when i faulter away from that, but I try again the next moment. I hope that I am a person people appreciate & are also thankful for & with that I am thankful.

November 17th- I am thankful for Clayton, as my gardian angel or i like to say little guiding light.  I know he is with me every moment of the day, guiding me, & giving me little glimmers of hope & love.He is the reason life is wonderful & and heartbreaking all at the same moment. I am thankful for him.

November 18th- I am thankful for the simple things! life's little pleasures! The things that make a person smile & say I am thankful!  

I am thankful for the continued love & support

NOVEMBER 15TH-
I am thankful for the continued Love & support. The perodic check ins, just to see how we're doing & let us know they are thinking of us. There are days when we feel so alone in this,that we're living every day without the family we dreamed, while life goes on for everyone else. & thats alway the exact moment someone knows we need to hear from them. I am so thankful for the kind words & loving prayers. They allow us to know this LOVE will never end. I thank the people who know just the right moment to say, were thinking of you, because that makes getting through another day of the nightmare, bearable. So thank you.

life is rough by im thankful

November 10- I am thankful for Tacoma (my puppy for those of you who dont know) He always knows when i need to cuddle, he loves me unconditionally & he lets me baby him! He's always there to listen.

November 11- I am thankful for my faith. It has allowed me to see the light & to realize this is all happening for a reason. There is a purpose behind clayton's short life.

November 12- i am thankful for companionship. some people just always know the right things to say to calm me and let me know its going to be ok.

13th-i am thankful for days when i do nothing. Mindless tv watching or napping on the couch. Its days like these where i dont have a care in the world, where my mind isnt fixed on our life & its struggles. I am thankful that i can get lost in a mindless reality show.

14th- I am thankful for people reminding me to be grateful. Life is rough, it's not always fair & I am thankful for the people that have struggled and are getting through life, they remind me, I could have it worse & I am grateful for what i have.

Love & Life- Im truly thankful

NOVEMBER 8- I am thankful for my life. I have realized that yes i may have difficult times, however many, many people have it far worse than I do. I am thankful for the life I have been given & the life I am striving to have!

NOVEMBER 9- I am thanful for LOVE. I am thankful that with the loss of Clayton I learned the true meaning of unconditional LOVE. With that I will go through my life with an entirely diffrent view on life. LOVE is all that really matters. XOXO

Thankful for positivity

NOVEMBER 7TH- I am thankful for the positive thinking & attitude both Marcus & I have had throughout this journey. Without it, I think we'd be in a much darker place. With it, I feel like we've been able to enjoy the wonderful memories of Clayton & look to our future with a smile. I don't know where the positivity came from, but I know it's making us better people & preparing us to be better parents, someday. I am thankful for the positive in my life.
XOXO

Thankful november 4-6

November 4th- I am thankful for the people we have met through Clayton. These people are amazing. This is why i am thankful for our loss of Clayton, because without him. I would not know all of them. The one's who were there to not only take care of Clayton, but to take care of us. The one's who still ask us how we're doing, the ones who hurt just as much as we do for his loss. The ones who took wonderful care of Clayton, like they would their children. We are so very thankful for them. The University of Iowa hospitals & all the staff who was such a wonderful part of Clayton & our lives, they are whom im thankful for.

November 5- I am thankful for the future. Without the hope for a wonderful future, I don't know how well we'd be doing. The future has allowed me to look to the positive and know that God has a plan for us, a beautiful plan. I have hope & faith that our future will be the one that we "planned".

 

November 6th- I am thankful for the memories i do have with Clayton. Sure, i dont have a 5month old playing on the floor with his toys, or loving to sit in his swing, or playing with his puppy Tacoma. but i have memories of a beautiful loving boy. I have photos, I have his little clothes, I have his tiny little hand & lock of hair. Most of all I have the the Love he gave us. I have so many memories, ones to which i will cherish forever & never forget, because these are the only memories i get. I am thankful for my memories of Clayton.

Thankfulness in November but lasting forever

So i have been giving it a lot of thought lately, about the month of November with Thanksgiving & the days of thankfulness.  Yes I too have so much to be thankful for. I know theres atleast something im thankful everyday for, maybe somedays more that others!

so I know im a bit behind- but im catching up!

NOVEMBER 1- I am thankful for how well we are healing, or should i say greiving. Im not sure that we will ever heal, the wound will just not be so raw. 5 months have passed since Clayton was born & 4 since he flew away with the angels to heaven. It hasn't been easy, but the pain has eased by looking ahead to our future with a smile & remembering the past with a bigger smile! because without the most devistating loss of our life, Clayton, I would not realize the beauty that is waiting for us! Life is beautiful, you just have to look for it.

NOVEMBER 2- I am thankful for Marcus, I didn't realize how wonderful he was ( ha ha, im not trying to be a cheese ball :), really until we spent 26 solid days together, fighting for the same cause. To save our son & to love him forever. I realized he had way more patience than i did, he changed diapers like a pro, he always new the right thing to say to calm me down & still does. But most of all, he had the strength & courage to cry with me, when we both needed it & for that I will forever be thankful.

NOVEMBER 3- I am thankful for our friends & family. I am not sure where we'd be without them. They have given us so much love & support. I am thankful for the kind words & encouraging quotes, always at the perfect moment, when i need to be reminded of how much we're loved!  I am thankful for everyone who hasnt experienced the crushing loss of a child, but i also am so thankful for the ones who have. Their words calm me & let me know, it will be ok. We will survive this. I am thankful we are not walking down this road alone.