I've been here before

I find myself lately asking myself, Have I been here before? have I experienced this before? With the beautiful weather we're having, I am reminded of my life a year ago. I was doing as I'm doing now, per-pairing for the arrival of our child. But oh- is it so much different this time.

So many times lately have I had that "day sha voo" feeling.  It's just a feeling that comes flooding back, that takes me right back to a year ago.

Like when I was In the shower in the morning, feeling like I'm getting ready to go to the NICU to see Clayton, or washing purple grapes to pack for my lunch, like I did while we were in the NICU. The spell & the feeling the downstairs has. I went down their to put something away, and it stopped me in my tracks. Just this time last year we were finishing up the final touched on the basement & I couldn't believe how much it felt & spelled the same. I was instantly back pregnant with Clayton, per-pairing for him. I can't believe how much I feel the same. The weather is beautiful & I'm loving it, but it brings back a lot of memories, good & bad.
On top of that, It's just a hard time of year. The first full year without Clayton, the anniversary of his birthday right around my due date with Miss Henning, & the the pending birth of miss Henning.

So I feel it's to be expected, I'm a little frazzled. I am learning to take one day at a time, do what I can & want to & just enjoy life.

can i lean on you?

Today was a day, where I woke up thinking it was just an ordinary day. But I was caught off guard by UN-expected emotion. I'm just having a hard time. I know it's normal but I just am struggling with so many mixed emotions. Excited with my growing belly & feeling little miss Henning move around, which means it's getting closer to meeting her. Yet at the same time, still devastated with the loss of Clayton.  It's just a slap in the face that I lost Clayton.
I miss him so terribly much. I remember the feeling I had very soon after Clayton passed, that I couldn't wait to have a baby in my arms again. My arms just hurt, along with my heart. It was Marcus & I that decided, we would like to be parents again, sooner rather than later. But I was not at all aware of how hard it would be &  for what that would be emotionally. I never ever thought it would be this hard. I know we can make it & we will be ok, because I have already survived the worst thing in the world. Yet I still pray for strength and understanding from others, daily. It's very hard. I want little miss Henning here so badly, but I also want Clayton back. I know that can't be. It's just hard to look to the future, when i'm still grieving the past. I'm just reminded of what I missed with him as I plan for her future. I know that Clayton will always be a part of our future, because I know in my heart, he's a reason for his sister.
I am realizing I need to lean on my friends and family, they are the ones who've gotten me through so far & I hoping they can help get me over this bump. I just hope they understand. This isn't easy, it's not written in a book on how to handle. It's day to day. I pray for strength & understanding.