trying to "just let it be"

We are coming up on what would have been Clayton's 11 month birthday.I can't help but to think what I would have been doing,  I'd be planning and prepping for his 1st birthday! It makes me sad, yet makes me smile at the same time. I've survived almost a year without him, when at the beginning I didn't think I'd survive the day. I actually have been thinking a lot about his birthday celebration, that I want to have this year, but I'm finding it hard, because as much as I wish I could, I can't plan how things are going to go with the birth of his little sister. I have no idea when she is going to make her appearance & with her due date & Clayton's birthday only 1 day apart. It's hard to make a plan. I know in my heart, Clayton will choose the perfect time for her birthday, but it's hard to let go & just "let it be". So until then I'm going to focus on today & the gift we've been given & when the time comes, Celebrate both kids, as we intend to do. Clayton's 1st birthday celebration may be after his real birthday (this year) but we DO plan to celebrate, like we will every year. We've chosen to focus on the positive. Some people are sad and focus on the day they lost their child. I am not going to choose that road. I am going to focus on the day he was born, the day my life changed forever. 

 I was able to share our story & Clayton's story this last weekend & it felt so good. I sometimes forget where we have been & how far we have come. I know we still have a long way to go & life is never definite, however it made me proud to share our story & talk about Clayton. I realize it's not always easy for others to hear about the devastation we survived, but I hope it makes them appreciate life a bit more & maybe hug their kids a little tighter. 

Life for us has been pretty darn busy lately. For some reason I think we like it that way! :) after finishing up a remodel of the entry way/dining room/kitchen, we are officially 100% done with it, with a few weeks to spare. But with all this "stuff" to do, I forget about what is around the corner & it helps pass the time. Allowing me to focus my energy on things other than being stressed. I have felt so much better with my grief & the up and coming birth of our daughter. I am still very anxious to meet her & sure that it will be way more emotional than i am prepared for. I pray things go smoothly and Clayton helps us through it.
So as I count down the weeks & get everything ready for little miss henning's arrival, I think about the Clayton & the blessings he has given us.

Happy (almost) 11 month birthday little man!

Clayton will choose

Clayton would be a little over 10 months old, I'm a little bit in shock over how fast the last year has gone. Lately I have been thinking a lot about him & the wonderful 26 days we had with him. As the due date of his little sister gets closer and closer, I think about how things will go this time. It's hard to think about sometimes, the nightmare we survived. I pray things go smoothly this time, I have faith they will & I know that Clayton will be there by our side.

 Over the last 10 months I really haven't thought a lot about specific moments we had, but lately i have. I am so very thankful for the times we did have, yet I'm sad for the moments we didnt get. I'm sad that he never came home and got to see the beautiful room & stuff we had for him, Im sad he never got to meet his puppy. I'm sad he didn't get to grow up. But I have to remember, that just wasnt in God's plan for him. I am happy that he is at peace & free from pain & suffering. I am happy he is in heaven, I am happy he has such wonderful people to take care of him & Im happy he is my son.

During the next month & 1/2, I'm going to let the emotions and feelings come as they may. I can't predict how things will go, although the "planner" that i am, it's hard to let go, but I know Clayton & God will make sure things are taken care of. Remembering  back when Clayton was sick and I was trying to predict how he'd pass & when it would be, I remember someone saying, "Clayton will do what you want him to, he will go when he feels he should & he will have the people who love him, around him." He sure did, he passed peacefully in our arms & that was all I had dreamed of. So as I look upon the pending month, I know in my heart Clayton will be there to guide us and make everything ok. He will choose when his little sister is born & he will choose how it will go. I am thankful for that, It's just another gift Clayton has given us & I can't wait to celebrate that.

Love you little man- XOXO