my heart still quivers when i think about it

I recently fell upon a blog from another mother who experienced a lot of what I did with the birth of Clayton, and that has had me thinking back to that day. When my life changed completely. When I lost the one thing I had wanted so badly, but never thought I wouldn't get. A healthy baby boy. I remember it like it was moments ago. What I wore to the hospital, the weather, the excitement, the pain, the labor, then...... the silence. The shear panic and devestation on the nurses and doctors faces. It was as if the whole world was caving down on Marcus & I. We never thought for a moment our son would not be healthy and here we were watching him be revived. Our lives, were forever changed that moment. It's something so hard to explain, how we went from thinking everything was fine, to praying he would make it through the night. My heart still quivers when I think about it.

Over the last year and a half, I go back and visit memories like that.I dont think the devastation of  loosing Clayton will ever go away but I remember the feeling of at first, before Clatyon passed, the heavy feeling my heart had, the panic and the reality that we just lost our dream. We had lost the dream of a perfect healthy baby boy, the one we should have taken home in his carseat like planned. The son we had a beautiful room all put together for, the son we had clothes in his closet for. The son we had planned to watch play in the yard. Those dreams were gone. We were robbed of that, and that was what hurt the most.

Visiting these memories, I think It's good for me. It reminds me when I've had hard days- when Im doubting my ability to get through, what I've been through, and how I've grown and come through it OK. It still doesnt stop my heart from aching, but It helps. This life we have isn't easy, but it's the life I was chosen to have. As I said back in a later post, some will say why us, but we say- WHY NOT US? I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned, but mostly I am thankful God choose Marcus and I to be Clayton & Kendall's mommy & daddy.

Just like I find comfort and healing with my blogging, I know that someday I will be sharing the story with Kendall, and I hope I remember all the beautiful memories I do now.  I hope that she knows the love her brother was and the love we have for her & how she was the little rainbow to heal our hearts. She is the light of our lives & everyday I thank God & Clayton for her.  I can't say this is the life I had planned, but I wouldn't change a thing. This was the life that was planned for me and I will be grateful for those gifts.

October- infant loss month

Not saying there needs to be a special month that I think about the loss of Clayton, because really it's on my mind every moment of every day. But I think it's a wonderful chance to think of Clayton and all the other little ones that never got to grow up in their loving home.

Over the last, 17 months, I have come to meet many parents that, like us, unfortunately know the devastating feeling of loosing their babies. It's a group I can't say I wanted to belong to, but one I am so very thankful I do.It's this incredible feeling of belonging and acceptance and knowing that they "GET IT" without me having to say anything. It's very hard to explain why my heart will forever be broken. People look to me and think, she should be ok now, she has Kendall. Yes, I am doing much much better and am so very happy and blessed. but I still have a hole, that will NEVER go away. My Son is never coming back, and that's a hard pill to swallow. I try very hard not to be angry or jealous of others who just get the "golden ticket" in life, the ones that get everything perfect with no worries. But sometimes it's hard.....

So this month, I make it my hearts path, to think of everyone I have come to know after the loss of their children. & I also think about all the joy and blessings they have had in their lives after their children went to heaven, it's breathtaking really. I am thankful for them & for their heartache, for their suffering has helped me heal my broken heart.

Thinking of sweet babies; Clayton, Grace, Landon, Jaxson, Benjamin, Nora, Brynley, & Cole
may you smile & dance in heaven as we would be doing here on earth.

I am grateful for my life, I hope that you are for yours.