Celebrating our Rainbow baby Kendall with her big brother by our sides

Sorry I have neglected to blog lately. Life has slowly gotten in the way again. I find myself thinking about blogging in the morning while driving to work & in the evening when im struggling to keep my eyes open after Kendall is in bed. So for the last few weeks I've been really meaning to.

I've had a lot of emotions surfacing the last few months. The spring always brings back so much for me. The smell and the feeling triggers my memories from 2 years ago, like it was yesterday. The feeling in the air, the smell of our cold basement, the excitement with the weather turning nice. This year is so much different than the last 2 previous years. For the first time, I'm not pregnant. I miss that part, but I don't miss the the anxiety I had this time last year.

It's hard to think that 2 years has come and gone and I'm still standing. I mean I knew in my heart I'd survive, but I'm a little surprised that it's gone so quickly. Here we are about to celebrate Kendall's 1st birthday, and I'm still having flash backs of the NICU with Clayton. I think about the first time I saw him, about all the time we spent by his side at the University and the last time I held him and told him I loved him. I think about all this like it was just yesterday. I am so grateful I haven't forgotten a moment or a feeling, but I still wish things could have been different. I miss him so much. With this time of year, I'm just reminded of what our life has been and is. We will for always be parents to 2 children, one who is living his life in heaven and one who is here with us, about ready to turn one! I am so proud that I can say that, but sad at the same time.

A lot of people say when loosing a child, time will help heal the pain. I was a believer in this, however this , Clayton's 2nd birthday is harder. I have Kendall here to remind me what Clayton didn't get to do. I'm so grateful & blessed to have her as my daughter. Looking forward to watching her grow & learn everyday. But that really doesn't stop me from missing my son. I wish he could have been here to celebrate with us, but I know he'll be here in spirit.

Saturday Kendall turns 1. Really can't belive that either. Im sad that she's no longer a itty bitty baby, but excited to watch the little person she is becoming. There is not a moment that goes by that I'm not grateful for what I've been given. I know how blessed I am. I am lucky enough to have 2 beautiful children, one just happens to be in heaven.

So as we celebrate Kendall's 1st birthday, I know Clayton will be here right beside us celebrating the RAINBOW we've been blessed with.

Happy 1st Birthday Kendall Marie- We love you so very much.
XOXO

Kendall's 1st MDA walk in loving memory of Clayton

what a long, long time it has been. Oh how i've missed blogging and getting things off my chest.

This weekend was such an emotional remembrance of Clayton. It was our 2nd annual MDA muscle walk as Team Clayton.  There was a lot of differences this year. I think this year I allowed myself to feel.  Feel everything i have been thinking about lately. Feel the pain, the devastation, the panic, the loneliness, the anger, the heartbreak, just to feel him. I felt him more than i have in a long time. That was something i really needed. I always know that he is with me, but this day was different. I felt him there, participating. It became more real for me when the walk was over and awards were being announced. When the award for "best team member" came up, and the speaker began with saying, "we nominate our daughter Kendall" I lost it, tears began pouring down my face. Out of the hundreds of people there, Kendall was being recognized. I knew that was Clayton, what an honor, all because of the love we have for Clayton.
Here is what they read as we were awarded "best team member"

 

Honorable Team member

Team Clayton

I would like to nominate our daughter Kendall Henning.

She is our "rainbow baby" after the loss of her big brother Clayton, who is the reason behind team Clayton. Kendall was born May 18th 2012, just short of what would have been Clayton's 1st birthday. After a lot of testing and a very stressful pregnancy. Kendall is 100% healthy. She does NOT carry the Myotubular Myopathy genetic disorder that Clayton suffered & passed away from.

The reason I am nominating her is because she has given us hope. After the loss of Clayton, we needed hope. She has shown us to fight for love & to have hope in hopeless situations. It is a blessing and pleasure to have her walking with us this year in the MDA muscle walk in honor of her brother.

 I have never been so proud and humbled in all of my days. To be a mother of 2 beautiful children and to have them both honored in such a beautiful way, just took my breath away.

I miss Clayton more and more, but know, that he is right there beside us.