There are many times I still have to pinch myslef & remind me that I am pregnant again. It's been an extremely hard thing to handle. Yes we wanted to badley to be pregnant again and have the miracle so many others got, but I didnt think for minute it would be so bittersweet. Somedays im over the moon that we are having a healthy baby girl, but other days, im just sad, sad for Clayton, and wishing things could have been oh so differnt for him. It's still not fair. & it never will be. Being pregnant again, DOESNT MAKE IT ALL BETTER. I sometimes get angry when people say, oh, yay your pregnant again, Im not angry at them, im angry because it just hurts, its not the same anymore. Its not the same excitement with no worries. I am pregnant again, because i lost my son. So by being pregnant again, it doesnt make the loss of Clayton any easier. It give new hope, hope that we will someday get that healthy baby in our arms. But it doesnt take away that we lost our first born.
With Christmas right around the corner, i have lots of anxiety. I have come to realize, it will NEVER be the same, but I am hoping I can find joy in it. Somedays Im singing along to wonderful christmas songs, enjoying shopping, wrapping presents & holiday baking, but others i realize what is missing. So this year, its a little less festive at our house & in our hearts, but I know that with the love & support of family & friends, well be ok. Clayton would have wanted that.
I am so right there with you. Always thinking of you, and I am always here if you need anything at all.
ReplyDeleteKatie gave me this link to your site. My son Landon was born sleeping at 34 weeks on November 15, 2011. I have to tell you it brought tears to see that you are pregnant with your second child. Clayton is beautiful. I know him and Landon are dancing and having an incredible time together. You're a very strong woman, and not alone. Please feel free to add me on facebook if you'd like. My name is Kayla Jo Miller.
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