day by day

Today I'd doing much better, well this week for that matter.
It's just different being pregnant this time. There are so many more emotions & memories. I am so very thankful for the gift I have been given, to carry a baby girl & hopefully be able to raise her. I think that is what scares me the most, this pregnancy is different because i am aware of what can happen & all I want is to do is raise this child. I want to be a mother, with a child in my arms. I know I'm a mother, but I want to raise a child here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if that's ever possible. It's just difficult because there are not many people, thankfully, that know what it's like to be us. It's hard, it's just so different this time. The "naive" pregnant lady that worries about what color bedding to have in the nursery, she's gone, at least for me. I am aware & at the same time I am grateful.

I miss Clayton even more now. I think I am aware of what could have been. I know that this little girl will not take the place of him, nor will she make the heartache go away, but I hope & pray, she'll bring back the feeling of joy & I am able to raise her, like a mother should.

I know that we did the right thing & Clayton is in a wonderful place, it doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it ok! I just wish things could have been different for him.
So Im going to keep doing what i've done since he was born, Stay positive, pray for the best case scenario & put one foot in front of the other. It's day by day.
XOXO