I miss you, miss you so bad

This last week I've just had some days. Days where i miss Clayton so terribly much. Oh how I wish things could have been different for him & for that matter, for us.  I know grief doesn't have a specific time nor place & I can't control it.

I have been doing a lot of planning and preparation for little miss henning, so I think that is bringing up a lot of emotion & memories.  I can't help but think, I was doing the same thing for Clayton a year ago. Designing his nursery, shopping for him, & making plans with him in it. As much as I am so very excited & blessed to be caring little miss henning, I can't help but hesitate to to make plans for her life. Yes I do, but its hard and part of me feels like im jinxing myself. Most of you will never understand this, most of you probably think, im pregnant again, it's all better & she's healthy so I should have nothing to worry about. BUT I will never be ok, I will always be terrified of what could happen because I am one of the "un-lucky" ones who knows all to well what can go wrong and that anything can happen. I will never be able to relax and just enjoy. I am incredibly grateful but terrified at the same time. Sure I want to think something wont go wrong, but im realistic. I have tried my best to be grateful & know the gift i have been given of caring this incredibly healthy & special  little girl, but I know the reason for her too. Without Clayton, she wouldn't be. She will forever grow up knowing the reason she is here & about her wonderful brother. She is our Rainbow baby.

Rainbow babies: In some circles, babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Miss you Clayton Michael- you will forever be our first born & our sweet boy! XOXO

I will make the best of it

I find myself getting lost in time, forgetting that it's not quite been 7 month's since Clayton went to heaven. I just forget it's ok to hurt & have days where it just sucks. I forget to be easy on myself & expect that it's never going to be easy grieving his loss, time will lessen the pain & make it EASIER to handle., but it's never going to be EASY.  I just have to stop & think about what we have been through. To speak it out loud, "we lost our son" Hearing that it shakes me to my core, when i have to really think about it. I wish so much that things just could have been different. Never have I regretted the decisions we made for Clayton's life & the one's he made for his own, but I just wish to terribly, that he could have gotten a different fate. I always think back to when Marcus & I realized we'd loose Clayton, Marcus said, "I never thought i'd loose my first born, before I got to take him home." NEVER did we.

I find myself these days being easily side tracked from my grief, getting caught up in the daily life occurrences again. When I stray too much away from my inner self & my feelings, that's when I get hit. Hit by the emotional train that final has to derail. During Clayton's life & a few months after, I dedicated myself to healing. Reading wonderful helpful book, blogging & just really focusing on the positive of life. Now, however I find myself slipping away from that. I think it's because time has lessened the pain & I feel like it's expected of me to be ok & to "move on" but I know that's not right for me. I am much happier & healthier, healing myself, focusing on the importance, my life, my husband's life, the memory of our son & the new life we've been given. As much as I want to go through everyday not thinking about the life I have now, I am still thankful for it. God gave me this, so I WILL make the best of it!

So as I go through the next few month's & years of my life, I'll remember, I lost my son, it sucks, but I will be ok!
XOXO

MDA walk in Clayton's memory

We have decided to put together a team in Clayton's memory for the upcoming MDA muscle walk! The MDA is a organization who help raise money for research & families affected by nuromuscular disorders. Clayton was affected by Myotubular Myopathy which fell under the MDA. We thought this was a great way to ge together in memory of Clayton and raise money for a wonderful cause.

when: saturday February 25th at 7:30am-10

where: Inside Coralridge Mall- Coralville IA

http://www2.mda.org/goto/teamClayton

is the link that Clayton's team page can be found.

we would love to have whomever wants to be a member & walk or any donations too. If you wish to walk- please go to the page & click JOIN TEAM- this is where you enter your information & become part of Team Clatyon. We ask anyone wishing to walk that day to wear a hawkeye shirt and be part of Team Clayton, "once a hawkeye, always a hawkeye" We also have some bracelets left if anyone wants to use those as fundraisers for walking!

If you are not able to walk & wish to donate in Clayton's memory, a link on his team page allows you to do that- or checks made out to the MDA can be sent to us.

Thank you all for you continued love & support! We are so very thankful!

Love- Marcus & Emily