I will make the best of it

I find myself getting lost in time, forgetting that it's not quite been 7 month's since Clayton went to heaven. I just forget it's ok to hurt & have days where it just sucks. I forget to be easy on myself & expect that it's never going to be easy grieving his loss, time will lessen the pain & make it EASIER to handle., but it's never going to be EASY.  I just have to stop & think about what we have been through. To speak it out loud, "we lost our son" Hearing that it shakes me to my core, when i have to really think about it. I wish so much that things just could have been different. Never have I regretted the decisions we made for Clayton's life & the one's he made for his own, but I just wish to terribly, that he could have gotten a different fate. I always think back to when Marcus & I realized we'd loose Clayton, Marcus said, "I never thought i'd loose my first born, before I got to take him home." NEVER did we.

I find myself these days being easily side tracked from my grief, getting caught up in the daily life occurrences again. When I stray too much away from my inner self & my feelings, that's when I get hit. Hit by the emotional train that final has to derail. During Clayton's life & a few months after, I dedicated myself to healing. Reading wonderful helpful book, blogging & just really focusing on the positive of life. Now, however I find myself slipping away from that. I think it's because time has lessened the pain & I feel like it's expected of me to be ok & to "move on" but I know that's not right for me. I am much happier & healthier, healing myself, focusing on the importance, my life, my husband's life, the memory of our son & the new life we've been given. As much as I want to go through everyday not thinking about the life I have now, I am still thankful for it. God gave me this, so I WILL make the best of it!

So as I go through the next few month's & years of my life, I'll remember, I lost my son, it sucks, but I will be ok!
XOXO