Happy 9 month birthday little "rookie of the year"

Happy 9 month birthday Clayton!!! Happy Birthday! I feel like this is such a milestone to celebrate! As time passes, Clayton's birth months have different feelings behind them. This month I reflect on the fact that he'd be 9 months, holy crap! I have survived life without him for 8 months! I also think about this months birthday in a different way these days,  I am that much closer to meeting Clayton's little sister.  It's such an odd feeling, counting up the months that i've been without Clayton, yet counting down until I get to meet little miss henning. Talk about mixed emotions! I think i've done pretty well at maintaining my sanity, yet some days I just pray for the month of May to hurry up and get here. One minute I am still so devastated with Clayton being gone & the next I'm folding little pink clothes. It's just so very hard to explain. I can not wait until the day she is here, safe & sound. So I can begin telling her all about her brother and his wonderful life. I know in my heart that the reason Marcus & I are going to be parents again, with her due date so close to Clayton's birthday, is because of Clayton. I know he wanted this life for us. So today, which would have been his 9 month birthday. I remember him & thank him for bringing me comfort in my days of weakness. For if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be the person i am today.

This last weekend was the local MDA muscle walk. We had put together team Clayton, in memory of Clayton. The walk went wonderfully! It was a wonderful way to help others affected by muscle disorders all the while walking in the loving memory of Clayton. Team Clayton raised just under $4,000.00 for the MDA and was honored with "rookie of the year" most money raised by a new team!!! It was such a huge honor! I was caught off guard by the emotion I would feel about it, but knew it was all for the LOVE of my son, Clayton! We hope to continue to walk every year for team Clatyon, & for his memory. I thank everyone who donated to the MDA and also all who walked and supported us. We continue to be humbled by everyone's love & support.

My heart is hurting

So I recently heard about another mother whom had to make the same excruciating decision to let her little boy Benjamin go to heaven from Myotubular Myopathy. It breaks my heart all over again. My heart just hurts for her. It is the worst thing in the world, to know that you are doing the best thing for your sick boy, but knowing you will never see him on earth again. All week i've just been heartbroken all over again. it takes me back to the moments we had with Clayton and when we made the decision not to increase his care, but rather to keep him comfortable and let him decide. Thinking about this again shakes me to my core. I am amazed how long ago that feels, but then hearing about the loss of sweet Benjamin I go right back to that very moment. I wish I could be there with her, holding her up, telling her, it WILL be ok. Your heart will stop hurting so badely, but I can't. I want her to know it will be ok. You did this for the LOVE of your son and for that you must hurt. but it will get better.
I still have many many moments where im not sure ill be ok, but through it all, I know Clayton is in a wonderful place, pain free, and for that, it's all worth it.
So as my days go on, I hold that mommy, her husband & her sweet Benjamin in my heart and pray for their peace & comfort. And with a smile on my face I'm happy to know Clayton has another wonderful angel to play with.

focus on today's happiness

Clayton would now be a little over 8 months old! I can't believe it! Oh how different our lives would be with an 8 month old crawling around. & if he would have been like his dad, he would have been RUNNING around! It's very hard to think about, the things that wont be- atleast with Clayton. Yes I realize that I'll get these things with "little miss Henning" but I wont with Clayton & thats a hard thing to handle, whatever milestone it is, it's not something you get used to. It just slaps you in the face with reality- your son died. I have hard days, & sad moments, but to be honest every day is hard & all moments without him suck, they  always will.So it's not just a day or a moment, it's all the time.  I always will be sad God wanted this life for Clayton.  I just have found ways to push that nightmare aside & go on with our day to day lives. So when i talk about having a hard time, it's not just a moment, its all the time. It's not something you get used to.

Lately when people ask me how things are, with the pregnancy & just how we are. Im not sure what to say. Im not sure what they want to hear? & I find that whatever answer i give, i still dont think it's really how im feeling. That is something i'm just not sure i could put into words, & even if i did, im not sure anyone would get it. Unless, of course you've been in these shoes. So therefore I've decided to quit trying to explain it & to not get upset when i feel like someone just doesn't get it. It's not working for me. It's making me more stressed. I am traveling down a road, few will ever understand & therefore there is no road-map or directions. I am making it a point for the remainder of this pregnancy, to just go with it. Focus each day on happiness & making the best of today! I have focused this entire pregnancy on the may 28th due date, getting there with little miss henning here safe & sound, but all along forgetting the path im on & to be grateful for that. My anxiety is getting the best of my daily "in the moment" happiness. So my goal is to focus on today's happiness!
Marcus & I still talk every night about life & our journey. He reminded me about focusing on enjoying what we have now. We were given this time to be just the 2 of us, not by choice, but by what God had in our plan, so I am going to focus on that. In 15 weeks or less our life will be changed, so im going to focus on the 2 of us & the time we have.
I am thankful for today's happiness.
XOXO