Happy 1st Birthday Clayton!

Boy oh Boy, where did the year go? Today is Clayton's 1st Birthday! We have survived an entire year. Today is one of those days I have been anticipating for a long time, how would i feel, how would it go, would miss henning be here or not. So many unknowns I couldn't control. Well - guess what, it's all worked out how it should. I had secretly thought it would, but had to protect my heart in case it didn't.  With that said, it hasn't been an easy year. It's been tough, missing so much, yet gaining a lot at the very same moment. To sum it up, it's been a BITTERSWEET year. We missed out on the typical baby milestone and were left with just grieving milestones. Making it through each day was the milestones we experienced.

I have thought a lot about what we were going to do for his birthday. After much thought and the early arrival of his little sister. We decided to just have friends and family come to our house and have a get together/celebration. It was perfect, no big ordeal, just love for a special boy. It was such a heartwarming day, to see new life in his little sister and to know the love behind the beautiful boy that made it all possible. It's so very comforting and humbling to see the continued love and support.

I also have been thinking of all the things I have been wanting to say to Clayton and so I thought it would be fitting for his first birthday.

 

Dear Clayton,

  Oh how we miss you & your sweet little face. I still see you sweet face in my hands as i kiss you, like it was yesterday. I am so very thankful for you & the life you lived. You were the strongest and most inspiring little man I have ever met or ever will. You taught me more about myself & who I was meant to be in those 26 days than I had in my 29 years. You have made me the mother I am today, because of the Love you brought to us. You brought so much love to everyone who met you or even heard about you. You were one LOVED boy! You showed me the meaning of unconditional love and trust. You showed me the way to letting go and letting faith in, because of you, I have a walked through life a little lighter, realizing the gifts.
 I hope you are having a wonderful birthday party in heaven, surrounded by all your little friends and everyone who's gone before you. Oh what a party it must be!  Know that daddy, mommy & little sister are right there with you! We miss you & love you so very much and we can't wait to hold you again. Until then, enjoy every little moment in heaven.
Happy 1st birthday Clayton!
Love- MOMMY, DADDY & LITTLE SISTER

MY FIRST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN

It's my first birthday in heaven,
what a joy to partake.
My presents are flowers and rainbows
and angel food cake.

My crib is decorated with roses
and glitter.
And the stars that shine upon me
make everything shimmer.

The other angels are dancing and
singing me songs.
Soon Jesus will be joining me,
It won't be long.

We'll all gather and pray
for my loved ones on earth,
Who love me so much,
from the day of my birth.

You see, Birthdays in Heaven
are full of happiness and cheer.
We celebrate with our loved ones,
who proceeded us here.

Yes, Birthdays in Heaven
are wonderful and gay.
One day we will celebrate together,
for that moment, Mommy and Daddy, I pray.

she's here!

Well just a few short hours after I posted last friday. Little Miss Henning entered the world!
Friday, May 18th at 11:54 pm, Kendall Marie Henning was born. 6 Ibs 5 oz, 18" long. Safe & sound! And really QUICKLY!
She is so perfect and beautiful! I can't even start to put into words how much I love her. I can't quit staring at her and thinking, wow, she's really here & she's ours!

Kendall's birth story- born at 38 weeks & 4 days.
So after having a nice relaxing evening outside by the firepit with good friends, we cooked a late super and when i sat down to eat, I just felt weird. I had my first contraction at 10:00pm, realized it was a different feeling than my previous 2 weeks of contractions. Marcus jumped in the shower, I continued to feel not so great and realized this was it and we needed to head to Iowa City. We headed to the University of Iowa Hospitals and I paged Dr. Jen, contractions were 10 minutes apart,  Marcus drove about 100 mph to get us there, I kept saying, were fine, dont worry, when we got off the interstate, i joked and said, there is NO way were having a baby today still! we arrived at the University of Iowa Hospital parking ramp, parking ticket said 11:02pm, I was still feeling ok, I walked up to labor & delivery, checked in at 11:07, my first nurse checked me at  around 11:20- I was dilated to 7 & contractions were 3 minutes apart, Dr.Jen joined us around 11:30. Contractions were intense and I had asked for my epidural, being my platelets had been low at my last apt, they needed to test them again, waiting for the lab to come back, I was starting to realize I may not get an epidural again this time! At 11:47 I was again checked, 9 1/2" centimeters dilated, I was ready to push but waiting for the 1/2 centimeter. Dr. Jen informed me, no time for epidural. I thought to myself, great! not what i wanted, but I've done this before with no drugs, I can do it again, plus I knew I had Clayton by my side, helping me along. In all the pain and chaos with the FAST labor, I continued to talk to Clayton and ask him to protect us. After 4 minutes of pushing, Kendall Marie Henning entered the world at 11:54! safe, sound & perfect. I can't tell you how blessed I felt at that moment. A calm just came over the entire room. We were blessed!
So from start of contractions to delivery, 1 hour 54 minutes. From walking into the hospital to delivery- 47 minutes!
I always knew Clayton & her had a plan of when she would come, but I sure didnt think it would be this fast! For some reason, the 18th was the day she wanted to be born and she wasn't gonna miss it!

We didn't sleep more than a 1/2 hour saturday early am, I couldn't, I had just had my "rainbow baby girl" and everything was perfect with her, she was safe & sound, My body & mind could finally release and realize, we've gotten it! We stayed all saturday and were scheduled to go home sunday, GOING HOME!! Those were words I had dreamed about while in the NICU with Clayton, and they were true this time. Sunday morning we were headed out & going HOME!! Walking down the hallway, the same exact hallway we walked after the loss of Clayton, with Clayton we left with broken hearts and empty arms, just less than one year later, we were walking down the same hallway, with our hearts mending and arms full, of hope! It was the first time I was able to digest the life we were living. We were taking our sweet girl home & that was possible because of the loss of Clayton. BITTERSWEET.

As I look at Kendall and thank God & Clayton for her, I realize this journey we have been on. It's been the most incredibly difficult thing of my life, but I wouldn't change it. Sure I wish I could have made Clayton not sick, but that wasn't in God's plan for him. We know without Clayton & the gifts he's given us, we wouldn't have miss Kendall safe in our arms.  For that, I will forever be grateful & know how blessed we are. 

why NOT us?

what a last couple of weeks this has been. My pregnancy has gone great & the last few weeks, progress has been made. Last week (38 week) I was dilated to 5, 75% effaced & baby girl is -1 station. So you'd think she would have decided to enter the world by now!!
With the pending birth of little miss henning (any day now) I am struggling. I am so anxious to meet her, I just want her here, safe & sound.I know you hear me say that all the time, but when you've been where we have been, you realize how important that is.  Everyday I feel her move is amazing, but in the back of my head i fear something still might go wrong. I know that she does not carry the same disease Clayton did, but it's hard to block out the "what if's" I've been there before, I've thought i was going to have a healthy baby, but the rug was pulled out from under us. So I just want her here. 

I'm also dealing with the fast approaching birth date of Clayton.  Everything is just so uncerten and being the "planner" that i am, I'm not handling it well!
I feel like i'm wearing a mask. Everyday it's a different person, one who is still so devastated with the loss of Clayton & the other who is ecstatic to meet miss henning. I feel like i can't do both. It's just 2 totally seperate emotions, and they both take so much out of me. I hope I can find balance.  Marcus & I have been doing lots of talking & healing lately. He said something I never really thought about, and now choose to go by. " the past made us who we are, that will never change, but all we have is the future to live for, so we better make the future worth it, cause we can't go back and change the past." He was talking about being torn about grieving for Clatyon & celebrating miss Henning. Clayton will forever be our first born son, but we need to LIVE for miss henning.

So in 10 days - little miss henning is due to enter the world. I know that her brother will be right there with us. I am thankful for all the gifts he has given us, but most of all, I am thankful for him, thankful God choose us as his parents. Like we said while back in the NICU less than a year ago, some say why us? we say WHY NOT US?

Love you Clayton Michael Henning- XOXO

you never, EVER get over your child

As the weeks pass by & the days until Clayton's 1st birthday approach. My anxiety increases! I am trying my best to focus on today & the moment, but it's hard. I want so badly to be done being pregnant, not because im uncomfortable (ok part of it is!) but mainly because I want "little miss henning" here! Safe & sound! And the closer it gets the more i want her here. My main reason is I want Clayton & her to have their own birthdays &  I want to know that we will get the healthy baby we've been praying for. It's hard to push the thoughts away when we've been there before. I pray every night for her health & safety, but until she is here, I can't be so sure. So I will continue to try to focus on today and happiness it's brought.

I have had a lot of mixed emotions lately. Between Clayton's pending 1st birthday, the 37 week pregnacy mark- when Clayton was born,(today I'm 37 weeks with miss henning)  & the birth of our "Rainbow baby girl". It all is very bittersweet and unexplainable. I have a lot on my plate right now and Im trying really hard to hold it all together. It's hard. I feel like there are a lot of people who need an explanation or an answer & Im afraid I can't do that. There are so many un-knowns in our life right now, I'm just going to take it day by day and keep on keeping on!

I've been thinking a lot about the past year and how i could put it into words. Well I dont have to, A good friend sent me a poem she found & that sums it all up. It's perfect, it says everything I've ever once thought or said. Without me explaining anything to anyone, it's simply----- HOW I FEEL.


When you lose a baby...
You don’t know what to expect.
People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.
You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.
You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.
And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.
You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.
It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.
You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.
You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.
The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.
Forever.
You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.
You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.
You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.
You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.
You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.
Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.
You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.
You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.
You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.
Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.
People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.
You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.
There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.
You lose friends. You find new ones.
You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.
You would do anything for another minute with your child.
You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.
You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.
You want to know what went wrong, and why…
You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.
You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.
You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.
You learn to live with the pain.
You are better for having known them at all.

So in closing thoughts, today I am 37 weeks. The same point in my pregnancy with Clayton that he was born. It's somewhat weird & so insecure. I don't know at all what to expect with "little miss henning" will she come soon, or will I go over? It's the unknown that's the hardest. But I have to keep remembering. God & Clayton have a plan!