what a last couple of weeks this has been. My pregnancy has gone great & the last few weeks, progress has been made. Last week (38 week) I was dilated to 5, 75% effaced & baby girl is -1 station. So you'd think she would have decided to enter the world by now!!
With the pending birth of little miss henning (any day now) I am struggling. I am so anxious to meet her, I just want her here, safe & sound.I know you hear me say that all the time, but when you've been where we have been, you realize how important that is. Everyday I feel her move is amazing, but in the back of my head i fear something still might go wrong. I know that she does not carry the same disease Clayton did, but it's hard to block out the "what if's" I've been there before, I've thought i was going to have a healthy baby, but the rug was pulled out from under us. So I just want her here.
I'm also dealing with the fast approaching birth date of Clayton. Everything is just so uncerten and being the "planner" that i am, I'm not handling it well!
I feel like i'm wearing a mask. Everyday it's a different person, one who is still so devastated with the loss of Clayton & the other who is ecstatic to meet miss henning. I feel like i can't do both. It's just 2 totally seperate emotions, and they both take so much out of me. I hope I can find balance. Marcus & I have been doing lots of talking & healing lately. He said something I never really thought about, and now choose to go by. " the past made us who we are, that will never change, but all we have is the future to live for, so we better make the future worth it, cause we can't go back and change the past." He was talking about being torn about grieving for Clatyon & celebrating miss Henning. Clayton will forever be our first born son, but we need to LIVE for miss henning.
So in 10 days - little miss henning is due to enter the world. I know that her brother will be right there with us. I am thankful for all the gifts he has given us, but most of all, I am thankful for him, thankful God choose us as his parents. Like we said while back in the NICU less than a year ago, some say why us? we say WHY NOT US?
Love you Clayton Michael Henning- XOXO
Clayton has changed all of our lives forever. He truly was a gift from God, sent to us for a reason. We are with mixed emotions as we await the arrival of Claytons little sister. she will be the blessing that God and Clayton planned.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Mom
Your future is going to be amazing! The gift and journey that you took with Clayton is all a part of that--the experience, joy, love and the emotions made you and Marcus and your entire family (including me!) better people. The best Mom is one that opens her heart to each wonderful blessing of a child she is given. Em, I don't have one doubt in the world--your heart and arms are ready to open for little Miss; your heart will always have Clayton, too. No one will ever forget him! I promise your heart is big enough...I've known you since you were born!
ReplyDeleteLove you forever!
XOXOX, Auntie Jill
Emily and Marcus,
DeleteYour love isn't divided among your other children, it's multiplied. Your little angel, Clayton, will always be in your hearts. However, soon you will feel the joy of having this baby. Of course you are both anxious now. That's okay. Not that long ago, Steve told me he was a train wreck during my labor with Andy, Allyson and Adam. Admitted he didn't stop worrying until he saw each of them and "counted all the fingers and toes." I will keep you all in my prayers. Love, Joan
Thinking of