my heart still quivers when i think about it

I recently fell upon a blog from another mother who experienced a lot of what I did with the birth of Clayton, and that has had me thinking back to that day. When my life changed completely. When I lost the one thing I had wanted so badly, but never thought I wouldn't get. A healthy baby boy. I remember it like it was moments ago. What I wore to the hospital, the weather, the excitement, the pain, the labor, then...... the silence. The shear panic and devestation on the nurses and doctors faces. It was as if the whole world was caving down on Marcus & I. We never thought for a moment our son would not be healthy and here we were watching him be revived. Our lives, were forever changed that moment. It's something so hard to explain, how we went from thinking everything was fine, to praying he would make it through the night. My heart still quivers when I think about it.

Over the last year and a half, I go back and visit memories like that.I dont think the devastation of  loosing Clayton will ever go away but I remember the feeling of at first, before Clatyon passed, the heavy feeling my heart had, the panic and the reality that we just lost our dream. We had lost the dream of a perfect healthy baby boy, the one we should have taken home in his carseat like planned. The son we had a beautiful room all put together for, the son we had clothes in his closet for. The son we had planned to watch play in the yard. Those dreams were gone. We were robbed of that, and that was what hurt the most.

Visiting these memories, I think It's good for me. It reminds me when I've had hard days- when Im doubting my ability to get through, what I've been through, and how I've grown and come through it OK. It still doesnt stop my heart from aching, but It helps. This life we have isn't easy, but it's the life I was chosen to have. As I said back in a later post, some will say why us, but we say- WHY NOT US? I am thankful for my life and the lessons I have learned, but mostly I am thankful God choose Marcus and I to be Clayton & Kendall's mommy & daddy.

Just like I find comfort and healing with my blogging, I know that someday I will be sharing the story with Kendall, and I hope I remember all the beautiful memories I do now.  I hope that she knows the love her brother was and the love we have for her & how she was the little rainbow to heal our hearts. She is the light of our lives & everyday I thank God & Clayton for her.  I can't say this is the life I had planned, but I wouldn't change a thing. This was the life that was planned for me and I will be grateful for those gifts.