Happy 7 month Birthday Clayton

Happy 7 month birthday Clayton. Where have the months gone? I know I say this every month, but I can't believe it. We've gone from summer, to making it through Christmas. Which let me tell you, I am go glad is over! Christmas wasn't as hard as i prepared myself for it to be, but little things got me. I think it was a little bit easier because I am caring his little sister, the one he wanted us to have. 

I started going through Clayton's clothes & all the baby stuff that was intended for him. Not an easy task, but one that brings me joy & sadness all at the same time. I laugh at how many clothes that boy had, but know that his sister is going to have even more! Marcus & I have decided to pack away all of Clayton's clothes and not get rid of them, for the hopes that maybe someday, his "little brother" can use them. Oh what a day that would be! 

As I go through his things, I think of the little boy who he was supposed to be & the little boy he is now. He would be 7 months today

I thought today's birthday blog was the perfect time to show you all the prints we got framed & matted with a saying from "his" book & with a memory plaque. We plan to donated these in the next few weeks to the University of Iowa NICU, where we spent all the days of Clayton's wonderful life. I am so happy how they turned out & will miss looking at the every day in my living room, but I know all the families that will love them & know the love behind Clayton Michael Henning's life.

the the first 3 are 18 x 24 & the last 2 are 24x30

 

All of the framed prints have a memorial plate in the lower right corner that looks like this!

we rolled the dice & won

Marcus said it so perfectly, "we rolled the dice & won!" we have gotten the most wonderful Christmas blessing, we got the results from little miss Henning's mirco-array, and she is NOT a carrier & the rest of her chromosomes are perfect!!! We have gotten the 50% healthy baby! our odds were not good, but Marcus had that gut feeling that told him to go this route & with that & Clayton's help, we have a healthy baby girl! she will never have to worry about passing this onto her children & have the difficult journey to be a mother of a healthy child. I can not tell you how relieved this makes us. I feel like NOW we can begin to plan a life for her. I still am so very thankful for Clayton, because without him, none of this would have happend. I know he is going to be a wonderful big brother & watch over his little sister.

it doesn't make it all better

There are many times I still have to pinch myslef & remind me that I am pregnant again. It's been an extremely hard thing to handle. Yes we wanted to badley to be pregnant again and have the miracle so many others got, but I didnt think for minute it would be so bittersweet. Somedays im over the moon that we are having a healthy baby girl, but other days, im just sad, sad for Clayton, and wishing things could have been oh so differnt for him. It's still not fair. & it never will be. Being pregnant again, DOESNT MAKE IT ALL BETTER. I sometimes get angry when people say, oh, yay your pregnant again, Im not angry at them, im angry because it just hurts, its not the same anymore. Its not the same excitement with no worries. I am pregnant again, because i lost my son. So by being pregnant again, it doesnt make the loss of Clayton any easier. It give new hope, hope that we will someday get that healthy baby in our arms. But it doesnt take away that we lost our first born.

With Christmas right around the corner, i have lots of anxiety. I have come to realize, it will NEVER be the same, but I am hoping I can find joy in it. Somedays Im singing along to wonderful christmas songs, enjoying shopping, wrapping presents & holiday baking, but others i realize what is missing. So this year, its a little less festive at our house & in our hearts, but I know that with the love & support of family & friends, well be ok.  Clayton would have wanted that.

day by day

Today I'd doing much better, well this week for that matter.
It's just different being pregnant this time. There are so many more emotions & memories. I am so very thankful for the gift I have been given, to carry a baby girl & hopefully be able to raise her. I think that is what scares me the most, this pregnancy is different because i am aware of what can happen & all I want is to do is raise this child. I want to be a mother, with a child in my arms. I know I'm a mother, but I want to raise a child here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if that's ever possible. It's just difficult because there are not many people, thankfully, that know what it's like to be us. It's hard, it's just so different this time. The "naive" pregnant lady that worries about what color bedding to have in the nursery, she's gone, at least for me. I am aware & at the same time I am grateful.

I miss Clayton even more now. I think I am aware of what could have been. I know that this little girl will not take the place of him, nor will she make the heartache go away, but I hope & pray, she'll bring back the feeling of joy & I am able to raise her, like a mother should.

I know that we did the right thing & Clayton is in a wonderful place, it doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it ok! I just wish things could have been different for him.
So Im going to keep doing what i've done since he was born, Stay positive, pray for the best case scenario & put one foot in front of the other. It's day by day.
XOXO