So it's been a while. I think about blogging every night, but it's something i need time for.
Time to reflect and time to think about how to say things. As I'm living through this, I have to learn how to speak out my emotions. Sometimes it's easier said than done.
So things have been building lately. Lots of little things still really bother me and with the holiday's those little things build into big things.
My son is still gone and I have to learn to live on without him, and at the holidays, that's kinda hard to do. For the most part everyone carries on their Merry little way, worrying about shopping, decorating, holiday baking, driving to families homes, etc. but as a grieving mother, I am focused on other things. Just getting through it. Trying to get through the holiday's without Clayton or a breakdown. I know that I now have Kendall, and that is the most valuable blessing of all. However, there is still a piece that is gone, and I can't do a thing about it. This year's Christmas is somewhat different than last year, I have things to look forward to rather than wishing it all to hurry up and go away. I put up a tree this year(last year there was no Christmas in our house) & covered it with ornaments from Marcus & I's childhood along with Clayton's memorial ornaments, but most important I have Clayton's 1st & 2nd Christmas ornament along side Kendall's 1st! We are beginning a new tradition, building the tree with our children's ornaments.
I am doing a whole lot better this year than last christmas, but it still is not the same, nor will it ever be.
The most difficult thing im finding is still some comments and reactions I get. I still get people who skate around the obvious, who dont bother accepting that I want to talk about my son. I get angry.
Clayton was alive.
He was important.
He was loved.
Please please do not take that away from me. I have lost him, but I will never loose his memory.
Christmas soon will be over & I'll have made it through, yet another milestone. But one thing will never change, the love I have for my son & the pride i express when I talk about him.
Merry Christmas to you in heaven Clayton- I hope it's as beautiful for you as I dream.
XOXO- Mommy
