looking back

Making Memories- Making his foot mold

So as I scan the first posting, I still cry my eyes out. The emotions and memories are still so new & raw. I still sometimes find myself thinking that this isn't happening to us.  I remember back when Clayton was born, We were in shock, and I kept repeating, "I hope I wake up from this nightmare" I had just hoped it was a bad bad dream. But it wasn't and its now our reality, and we've decided to deal with it! There are moments I go back to that and wish this didn't have to happen to US, but then my strength comes back and I deal with it again. I've always heard people say, things like this don't happen to us, it happens to other people. Well we are those other people now. It did happen to us. sometimes we'd say why us, but really- why NOT us!

I can remember so many little details of the short 26 days Clayton was here on earth with us. There are many things I've failed to talk about in the first blog, not because I don't want to, but because a lot of the hospital procedures have all blended together. And honestly we were under a "bit of stress" so sometimes my emotions just took over. Even though we were there all day every day, I forget a lot of stuff. Through all the hospital madness there were some things that we did that were the typical "dream" of having a new baby. We were holding him, cutting his nails, giving him baths(which he also loved) he was wearing our outfits, had our blankies, we had brought some of his toys from home (the seahorse was his fav) and Marcus was a pro at changing diapers!! I was pumping so he could still have my milk.Sure it was not ideal, but it was what we had and we were loving it. I look back and say, "I would never change a thing." yes i would change that he didn't have the diagnosis. but I can't change that. That was in God's hands.but I wouldn't change the wonderful memories we had as a new family, nor the wonderful care Clayton & us received.

Clayton was the Love of our lives and I was so proud to call him our son. Even though many people never got to meet him on earth, I feel he has touched so many lives. If his breif life could have changed just one person, it was all worth it. I know Clayton taught us, that life is a gift, and no matter what you do, do it the best you can with what you have, and love will see you through. Love was all we had through those days, sure we prayed for Clayton's health, and we prayed just for God to help us. But really Love was there in the end. We Loved Clayton with everything we had, and letting him go to heaven was what Love was for us. From the moment you become parents, you want the the best for your kids, the very best! You want them to be happy & you want them to be Loved. We were able to give that to Clayton and were thrilled about that. Sure it still hurts immensely, that he's not hear with us, but he's happy, Loved & in a wonderful place.

After Clayton passed it was relief, the anxiety of waiting for Clayton to go to heaven was over. But he was gone. Gone FOREVER.  I knew my Son was in a wonderful place, but I'd never get to do all the things a first time mommy gets to do. We would not be taking the first car ride home from the hospital, no stroller rides while walking Tacoma, no up all nights, no 1 month pictures, no rolling over, no firsts. We didn't get that. Yeah it sucks, I'll be honest. I've never been the jealous type, ever. But I am now. I am jealous of the women who get their babies, and they are healthy, I'm jealous of "the dream". I know I'll get over it, but for now, I'm just sad that us & Clayton didn't get "the dream"

At Clayton's service we did a balloon release, we knew this was something we wanted to do. We went with the "once a hawkeye, always a hawkeye " theme and did black & gold balloons, 29 of them, for his birthday. Marcus let Clayton's go to heaven first, followed by everyone who loved him. It wasn't really planned this way, its just how it worked out. I know Clayton was there with us that day, just loving us. A lot of things were very special that day, looking back, I'm so happy about that day. Yes it was the day we pledged our Love for him, but it wasn't good bye, it was "see you later my son"   We had chosen to cremate Clayton, because we wanted him with us. plus we weren't sure if we'd live in CR forever, and didn't want to leave him. One day we'll bary him with us, or spread his ashes, but until then, he'll be with his mommy & daddy.

When we were at the University, Doc Jen told us about these beautiful memory glass sculptures that can be made from ashes. When we were planning Clayton's service, we saw the beauty she was talking about. We thought it was truely amazing, we would have a glass memory glass forever, made of our son. Many people who come to our house will not ever know it's Clayton, but he'll be there, "lighting" the way.  

So as I sit here and remember Clayton & all the Love he brought us & so many others,  I ask you to Love someone just a little more today, cause at the end, all we have is LOVE.