So today, on Clayton's 4 month birthday. I reflect back on the other month birthdays, this one feels diffrent. Maybe it's because I'm getting used to the ache in my heart, or maybe it's because I know Clayton is in heaven having a wonderful time. It doesn't make me miss him less, it just makes it hurt a little less.
I have talked about my obsession with reading, well one of the books im deap into now is "Healing a greiving parents heart" it has 100 things to help mend your broken heart.(well attempt to) One suggested, writting a letter to your baby. So I thought it was good to do today, on his 4 month birthday.
Dear Clayton:
what i miss the most about you: I miss your sweet face & wild man hair! but really I miss your spirit, your strength & your Love.
what I wish I'd said to you: nothing really, I told you that you were such a strong boy & that Mommy & daddy loved you so much & that it was ok for you to go to Heaven, we'd see you again someday!
what is the hardest for me now: It's the milestones, the firsts I don't get to experience, not that I never will someday, I just miss them with you, I wanted them with YOU!
What I'd like to ask you: who held you first in heaven? & will your siblings be healthy?
I'm keeping your memory alive by: talking about you daily, having your pictures all over the house, writing a blog, your memory bracelets, a just simply loving you with every breath I take.
I love you & miss you so terribly much, because of you, I have truely been given a wonderful gift. A gift of unconditional love. I have learned life isnt always easy, nor fair, but remembering the past, allows hoping for the future possible.
I Love you Clayton Michael- Happy 4 month birthday! XOXO-Mommy
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