sometimes I just miss him

I woke up Monday morning, Labor day to the blinds knocking against the window and a crisp chill in the room & it hit me, summer was over. Where did it go?  As I sat up in bed and peered at the picture of Clayton on the dresser, reality came quickly back. I know where it went. It went to grieving. 

Clayton was born on  Memorial Day weekend, the start of summer, A month was then spent in the hospital, day in and day out, then we spent the rest absorbed in our emotions & grief.  Wow, I can’t believe it’s gone. But with that comes all new thoughts about what is yet to come. Football season, raking leaves, Halloween, thanksgiving, snow, Christmas. and with that, I think of all the things we WONT be doing & the things Clayton will miss.  No “littlest hawk fan” shirt, no picture of him in the leaves, no Halloween costume, no “I’m thankful for mommy” bib @ thanksgiving, no little boy all bundled up in a snow suit, and no “babies first Christmas” stocking by the fireplace. Wow, this is reality; there is no firsts, at all. 

There are some days when I don’t think about what we & Clayton are missing, and I just think about how God had this all in his plan and that Clayton is in heaven, but other days, I just miss him, and think about what we had planned. This past weekend, while out and about I saw so many parents with their children, and I just thought, that COULD have been us, but its not. & that’s what makes me the saddest. I wanted that with him, with Clayton.  As time goes by, I am getting more comfortable with being in public, or talking with people, but I’m getting less comfortable with what we’re missing. I see other babies, whom are close to Clayton’s age, and I wonder if he’d be like them. If he’d be rolling -over? Or what size he’d be? We were with friends this weekend, and a neighbor of theirs was talking all about their new baby, newborn pictures, breast feeding, staying up all night, I had a moment, not in front of them, but silently I slipped away and just had my moment. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy that they were happy, I was. It was just that it was reminding me of what I DIDN’T have.

I know this is going to happen, for petes sakes there are pregnant ladies and babies EVERYWHERE  I turn, but it’s one of those things, I just can’t prepare myself on how to react, to sum it up, IT JUST SUCKS.

I just miss him, sometimes I just have to say it, some days are great, some days are good, some days just suck! 

”A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it’s you and me together forever
and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart.”
- Unknown