focus on today's happiness

Clayton would now be a little over 8 months old! I can't believe it! Oh how different our lives would be with an 8 month old crawling around. & if he would have been like his dad, he would have been RUNNING around! It's very hard to think about, the things that wont be- atleast with Clayton. Yes I realize that I'll get these things with "little miss Henning" but I wont with Clayton & thats a hard thing to handle, whatever milestone it is, it's not something you get used to. It just slaps you in the face with reality- your son died. I have hard days, & sad moments, but to be honest every day is hard & all moments without him suck, they  always will.So it's not just a day or a moment, it's all the time.  I always will be sad God wanted this life for Clayton.  I just have found ways to push that nightmare aside & go on with our day to day lives. So when i talk about having a hard time, it's not just a moment, its all the time. It's not something you get used to.

Lately when people ask me how things are, with the pregnancy & just how we are. Im not sure what to say. Im not sure what they want to hear? & I find that whatever answer i give, i still dont think it's really how im feeling. That is something i'm just not sure i could put into words, & even if i did, im not sure anyone would get it. Unless, of course you've been in these shoes. So therefore I've decided to quit trying to explain it & to not get upset when i feel like someone just doesn't get it. It's not working for me. It's making me more stressed. I am traveling down a road, few will ever understand & therefore there is no road-map or directions. I am making it a point for the remainder of this pregnancy, to just go with it. Focus each day on happiness & making the best of today! I have focused this entire pregnancy on the may 28th due date, getting there with little miss henning here safe & sound, but all along forgetting the path im on & to be grateful for that. My anxiety is getting the best of my daily "in the moment" happiness. So my goal is to focus on today's happiness!
Marcus & I still talk every night about life & our journey. He reminded me about focusing on enjoying what we have now. We were given this time to be just the 2 of us, not by choice, but by what God had in our plan, so I am going to focus on that. In 15 weeks or less our life will be changed, so im going to focus on the 2 of us & the time we have.
I am thankful for today's happiness.
XOXO