can i lean on you?

Today was a day, where I woke up thinking it was just an ordinary day. But I was caught off guard by UN-expected emotion. I'm just having a hard time. I know it's normal but I just am struggling with so many mixed emotions. Excited with my growing belly & feeling little miss Henning move around, which means it's getting closer to meeting her. Yet at the same time, still devastated with the loss of Clayton.  It's just a slap in the face that I lost Clayton.
I miss him so terribly much. I remember the feeling I had very soon after Clayton passed, that I couldn't wait to have a baby in my arms again. My arms just hurt, along with my heart. It was Marcus & I that decided, we would like to be parents again, sooner rather than later. But I was not at all aware of how hard it would be &  for what that would be emotionally. I never ever thought it would be this hard. I know we can make it & we will be ok, because I have already survived the worst thing in the world. Yet I still pray for strength and understanding from others, daily. It's very hard. I want little miss Henning here so badly, but I also want Clayton back. I know that can't be. It's just hard to look to the future, when i'm still grieving the past. I'm just reminded of what I missed with him as I plan for her future. I know that Clayton will always be a part of our future, because I know in my heart, he's a reason for his sister.
I am realizing I need to lean on my friends and family, they are the ones who've gotten me through so far & I hoping they can help get me over this bump. I just hope they understand. This isn't easy, it's not written in a book on how to handle. It's day to day. I pray for strength & understanding.