Happy 7 month Birthday Clayton

Happy 7 month birthday Clayton. Where have the months gone? I know I say this every month, but I can't believe it. We've gone from summer, to making it through Christmas. Which let me tell you, I am go glad is over! Christmas wasn't as hard as i prepared myself for it to be, but little things got me. I think it was a little bit easier because I am caring his little sister, the one he wanted us to have. 

I started going through Clayton's clothes & all the baby stuff that was intended for him. Not an easy task, but one that brings me joy & sadness all at the same time. I laugh at how many clothes that boy had, but know that his sister is going to have even more! Marcus & I have decided to pack away all of Clayton's clothes and not get rid of them, for the hopes that maybe someday, his "little brother" can use them. Oh what a day that would be! 

As I go through his things, I think of the little boy who he was supposed to be & the little boy he is now. He would be 7 months today

I thought today's birthday blog was the perfect time to show you all the prints we got framed & matted with a saying from "his" book & with a memory plaque. We plan to donated these in the next few weeks to the University of Iowa NICU, where we spent all the days of Clayton's wonderful life. I am so happy how they turned out & will miss looking at the every day in my living room, but I know all the families that will love them & know the love behind Clayton Michael Henning's life.

the the first 3 are 18 x 24 & the last 2 are 24x30

 

All of the framed prints have a memorial plate in the lower right corner that looks like this!

we rolled the dice & won

Marcus said it so perfectly, "we rolled the dice & won!" we have gotten the most wonderful Christmas blessing, we got the results from little miss Henning's mirco-array, and she is NOT a carrier & the rest of her chromosomes are perfect!!! We have gotten the 50% healthy baby! our odds were not good, but Marcus had that gut feeling that told him to go this route & with that & Clayton's help, we have a healthy baby girl! she will never have to worry about passing this onto her children & have the difficult journey to be a mother of a healthy child. I can not tell you how relieved this makes us. I feel like NOW we can begin to plan a life for her. I still am so very thankful for Clayton, because without him, none of this would have happend. I know he is going to be a wonderful big brother & watch over his little sister.

it doesn't make it all better

There are many times I still have to pinch myslef & remind me that I am pregnant again. It's been an extremely hard thing to handle. Yes we wanted to badley to be pregnant again and have the miracle so many others got, but I didnt think for minute it would be so bittersweet. Somedays im over the moon that we are having a healthy baby girl, but other days, im just sad, sad for Clayton, and wishing things could have been oh so differnt for him. It's still not fair. & it never will be. Being pregnant again, DOESNT MAKE IT ALL BETTER. I sometimes get angry when people say, oh, yay your pregnant again, Im not angry at them, im angry because it just hurts, its not the same anymore. Its not the same excitement with no worries. I am pregnant again, because i lost my son. So by being pregnant again, it doesnt make the loss of Clayton any easier. It give new hope, hope that we will someday get that healthy baby in our arms. But it doesnt take away that we lost our first born.

With Christmas right around the corner, i have lots of anxiety. I have come to realize, it will NEVER be the same, but I am hoping I can find joy in it. Somedays Im singing along to wonderful christmas songs, enjoying shopping, wrapping presents & holiday baking, but others i realize what is missing. So this year, its a little less festive at our house & in our hearts, but I know that with the love & support of family & friends, well be ok.  Clayton would have wanted that.

day by day

Today I'd doing much better, well this week for that matter.
It's just different being pregnant this time. There are so many more emotions & memories. I am so very thankful for the gift I have been given, to carry a baby girl & hopefully be able to raise her. I think that is what scares me the most, this pregnancy is different because i am aware of what can happen & all I want is to do is raise this child. I want to be a mother, with a child in my arms. I know I'm a mother, but I want to raise a child here on earth. Sometimes I wonder if that's ever possible. It's just difficult because there are not many people, thankfully, that know what it's like to be us. It's hard, it's just so different this time. The "naive" pregnant lady that worries about what color bedding to have in the nursery, she's gone, at least for me. I am aware & at the same time I am grateful.

I miss Clayton even more now. I think I am aware of what could have been. I know that this little girl will not take the place of him, nor will she make the heartache go away, but I hope & pray, she'll bring back the feeling of joy & I am able to raise her, like a mother should.

I know that we did the right thing & Clayton is in a wonderful place, it doesn't make it hurt less, but it makes it ok! I just wish things could have been different for him.
So Im going to keep doing what i've done since he was born, Stay positive, pray for the best case scenario & put one foot in front of the other. It's day by day.
XOXO

Happy 6 month birthday little man

Happy 6 month birthday Clayton Michael Henning!

Where in the heck did 6 months go? Oh how I have missed Clayton. The last week it's really been getting to me, the fact that we're not watching him grown, keeping "everything" out of his mouth, watching him learn to crawl, kissing his sweet face & watching him gaze at the christmas decorations. I am just realizing he's not here, I mean I knew, but it's just been hard lately.  I think so much of it has to do with the wonderful blessing we've been given, expecting his little sister. We are so over the moon excited about it, but part of me just feels guilty & sad for Clayton. I wanted to raise him. I know that he wanted this for us & I am so incredibly grateful for that, It's just hard. It's the first major time since Clayton went to heaven, that i've thought about baby stuff.  Which means "his" baby stuff. Some days im ok & I'm thinking about names and such, but others I am just sad for Clayton. It's not fair.

I know I'll be ok, but for now I just want my moment to miss him & be sad for what were missing out on with him.

Tomorrow I have my 15 week maternity check with Doc. Jen, I'm really looking forward to it! There are just certain people in my life, that always have the right words to say. I am again so very thankful for the wonderful people in our lives, that just know when & what to say. When you loose a child, no one has written a book on how to deal with it, but I feel like a lot of the chapters come from your friends & family who always know the right things to say. So thanks!

I also want to apologise for the lack of thankfulness days- It's not that I'm not thankful, because I am, i've just had some trying times & I have had a tough time blogging. 

So on today, Clayton's 6month birthday, I am thankful for him- for the picture I have of him with his little foe-hawk & his sea horse, because of that picture, I smile!

  Happy 6 month Birthday Clayton- we love you so very much!

pink blessings

November 20th-- I am thankful for little pink blessings.
After many stressful & anxious weeks, we are so excited to announce, Clayton is going to be a big brother! We will be welcoming a little girl at the end of may.  We are so increadiably grateful & blessed. Clayton has been a busy little boy in heaven, helping mommy & daddy with their dreams. Our CVS testing was last tuesday, & results in on thursday & its a GIRL!!! a baby girl free from myotubular myopathy!! I can not tell you how stressful this has been, I prayed so hard for a healthy baby. Through the Love & support of Marcus & Clayton, we have gotten the healthy baby! It is very bittersweet, but I know Clayton was the reason for all of this. He will always be our first born & always the love of our lives, now he'll also be a big brother!

I am thankful for my little guiding light

November 16th- i am thankful for truly getting the real meaning of life. I am so very thankful that the birth & loss of Clayton has taught me what life is all about. It has enabled me to appreciate life & the things it offers. I try my hardest everyday- not to complain,I try to be positive & I try to be kind to others. I may have days when i faulter away from that, but I try again the next moment. I hope that I am a person people appreciate & are also thankful for & with that I am thankful.

November 17th- I am thankful for Clayton, as my gardian angel or i like to say little guiding light.  I know he is with me every moment of the day, guiding me, & giving me little glimmers of hope & love.He is the reason life is wonderful & and heartbreaking all at the same moment. I am thankful for him.

November 18th- I am thankful for the simple things! life's little pleasures! The things that make a person smile & say I am thankful!  

I am thankful for the continued love & support

NOVEMBER 15TH-
I am thankful for the continued Love & support. The perodic check ins, just to see how we're doing & let us know they are thinking of us. There are days when we feel so alone in this,that we're living every day without the family we dreamed, while life goes on for everyone else. & thats alway the exact moment someone knows we need to hear from them. I am so thankful for the kind words & loving prayers. They allow us to know this LOVE will never end. I thank the people who know just the right moment to say, were thinking of you, because that makes getting through another day of the nightmare, bearable. So thank you.

life is rough by im thankful

November 10- I am thankful for Tacoma (my puppy for those of you who dont know) He always knows when i need to cuddle, he loves me unconditionally & he lets me baby him! He's always there to listen.

November 11- I am thankful for my faith. It has allowed me to see the light & to realize this is all happening for a reason. There is a purpose behind clayton's short life.

November 12- i am thankful for companionship. some people just always know the right things to say to calm me and let me know its going to be ok.

13th-i am thankful for days when i do nothing. Mindless tv watching or napping on the couch. Its days like these where i dont have a care in the world, where my mind isnt fixed on our life & its struggles. I am thankful that i can get lost in a mindless reality show.

14th- I am thankful for people reminding me to be grateful. Life is rough, it's not always fair & I am thankful for the people that have struggled and are getting through life, they remind me, I could have it worse & I am grateful for what i have.

Love & Life- Im truly thankful

NOVEMBER 8- I am thankful for my life. I have realized that yes i may have difficult times, however many, many people have it far worse than I do. I am thankful for the life I have been given & the life I am striving to have!

NOVEMBER 9- I am thanful for LOVE. I am thankful that with the loss of Clayton I learned the true meaning of unconditional LOVE. With that I will go through my life with an entirely diffrent view on life. LOVE is all that really matters. XOXO

Thankful for positivity

NOVEMBER 7TH- I am thankful for the positive thinking & attitude both Marcus & I have had throughout this journey. Without it, I think we'd be in a much darker place. With it, I feel like we've been able to enjoy the wonderful memories of Clayton & look to our future with a smile. I don't know where the positivity came from, but I know it's making us better people & preparing us to be better parents, someday. I am thankful for the positive in my life.
XOXO

Thankful november 4-6

November 4th- I am thankful for the people we have met through Clayton. These people are amazing. This is why i am thankful for our loss of Clayton, because without him. I would not know all of them. The one's who were there to not only take care of Clayton, but to take care of us. The one's who still ask us how we're doing, the ones who hurt just as much as we do for his loss. The ones who took wonderful care of Clayton, like they would their children. We are so very thankful for them. The University of Iowa hospitals & all the staff who was such a wonderful part of Clayton & our lives, they are whom im thankful for.

November 5- I am thankful for the future. Without the hope for a wonderful future, I don't know how well we'd be doing. The future has allowed me to look to the positive and know that God has a plan for us, a beautiful plan. I have hope & faith that our future will be the one that we "planned".

 

November 6th- I am thankful for the memories i do have with Clayton. Sure, i dont have a 5month old playing on the floor with his toys, or loving to sit in his swing, or playing with his puppy Tacoma. but i have memories of a beautiful loving boy. I have photos, I have his little clothes, I have his tiny little hand & lock of hair. Most of all I have the the Love he gave us. I have so many memories, ones to which i will cherish forever & never forget, because these are the only memories i get. I am thankful for my memories of Clayton.

Thankfulness in November but lasting forever

So i have been giving it a lot of thought lately, about the month of November with Thanksgiving & the days of thankfulness.  Yes I too have so much to be thankful for. I know theres atleast something im thankful everyday for, maybe somedays more that others!

so I know im a bit behind- but im catching up!

NOVEMBER 1- I am thankful for how well we are healing, or should i say greiving. Im not sure that we will ever heal, the wound will just not be so raw. 5 months have passed since Clayton was born & 4 since he flew away with the angels to heaven. It hasn't been easy, but the pain has eased by looking ahead to our future with a smile & remembering the past with a bigger smile! because without the most devistating loss of our life, Clayton, I would not realize the beauty that is waiting for us! Life is beautiful, you just have to look for it.

NOVEMBER 2- I am thankful for Marcus, I didn't realize how wonderful he was ( ha ha, im not trying to be a cheese ball :), really until we spent 26 solid days together, fighting for the same cause. To save our son & to love him forever. I realized he had way more patience than i did, he changed diapers like a pro, he always new the right thing to say to calm me down & still does. But most of all, he had the strength & courage to cry with me, when we both needed it & for that I will forever be thankful.

NOVEMBER 3- I am thankful for our friends & family. I am not sure where we'd be without them. They have given us so much love & support. I am thankful for the kind words & encouraging quotes, always at the perfect moment, when i need to be reminded of how much we're loved!  I am thankful for everyone who hasnt experienced the crushing loss of a child, but i also am so thankful for the ones who have. Their words calm me & let me know, it will be ok. We will survive this. I am thankful we are not walking down this road alone.

Happy 5 month B-day Clayton Michael

Happy Birthday little man, wow you'd be 5 months old.
Time has gone so fast, I laid in bed last night, saying my usual prayers for Clayton, and I thought back to the day he was born. What a day that was! I will always cherish the moment I saw him, I will never forget the amount of Love i instantly felt. That will never go away. Clayton will always be our first born & he will always be the Love of our life.

This is my all time favorite picture of sweet Clayton, so on today, his 5 month birthday & a hawks game, I thought it was perfect.

Happy Birthday little man, we love you so very much!
XOXO

October is infant loss month-

So as October is drawing to end, I am finding myself healing wonderfully. I sometime can't believe how well were doing and its only been 4 months since Clayton went to heaven. I never thought I would have made it this far, but then i am reminded that, yes i would have, Clatyon wanted that for us. To be ok. So with that, October is infant loss month, so I thought I'd share a beautiful article sent to me by another mother, who also lost her son, to Myotubular Myopathy. It's the best way I can explain how it feels to be a mother of a baby in heaven. Some of you will never know what its like (thank God for that) but here is just a glimpse of what its like, at least on some days!

Miss you so very much Clayton Michael-

The heartbreak of infant loss

By Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

XOXO- 

if we were in vegas- we'd put our money on it!!

So the topic of other children often comes up, & I sometime think people are afraid to ask me, they might think its too soon or that im not ready to talk about. Well i am, its the main thing on my mind, how to grow my family. This is not the way we hoped or dreamed it to be, but God, Clayton & us did not want our family to start & end this way. Since the beginning i have been researching my tail off about Myotubular Myopathy and our future children options. As a carrier of Myotubular Myopathy (MTM) I have a 50% chance of each sex having the disease,  but 75 % of a healthy, living, breathing, striving child.(granted nothing else goes wrong, but thats a whole other blog)   During my early stages of research I was told that 50/50 was our chances, but after doing a little soul searching we realized that yes a girl could be a carrier, but the disease would not affect her quality of life. yes she would be a carrier, but she would be like me, & whats wrong with me ( ha ha I bet marcus could beg to differ) so realistically we have 75% chance, & like my doctor said, if this was Vegas, we'd put our money on that! So the route of getting pregnant naturally, just like most of you & then waiting for CVS testing to tell us if the baby is affected. That has been the route we think is right for us. Not to say that we dont think its going to be the most mentally draining and trying time in our lives.  I read a wonderful quote one time and it said,

and thats what I have to remember. This life hasn't been easy, although there are definitely days I just pray for it to be easy! while talking with Marcus the other night, I asked why this has to be so hard, he said, "cause we can handle it! plus what fun is life if its easy!?" I thought about that, he's right, but you know, sometime i just wish it were a little easier! just for a moment!
 This isn't the life I dreamed of having, but its the life I have been given, so I better make the best of what I have. Because really somewhere, somehow, someone has it worse than me.  So I am grateful for what I have. I am grateful for the ability to grow my family, as difficult as it might be, I still have that gift!
Yes the days of, I wish this wasn't me, or why can't i just get what they have; play through my mind & for a moment I believe them & let them take over, but then Marcus reminds me, it will work out for us, we will get what we want, this will NOT defeat us. This is not the way the story will end.
When I hear an announcement of pregnancy, or see a newborn baby, I know in my heart, that will be us someday & we will have what we deserve, maybe not when we want to, but when GOD wants us to.

so until then, I hold out hope, remember the wonderful son I DO have & trust that God wants us to have a happy ending!

make today a beautiful day, if not for you, for someone else! XOXO

what are the whispers in your life?

I'm learning to appreciate the life I've been given. Some days better than others I can admit. But the days that are tough, I just take a deep breath, look around me, remember Clayton & then I realize, I'm ok. This is the life we've been given.

 I appreciate so much more these days, just the little things. Do you ever look to the clouds? What are they telling you? Trust me, take some time & just look up, let your mind wander. They are telling you something its just a matter of listening!

Everything in our life is telling us something, things happen for reasons. Life has an "ah ha" moment, as Oprah would say. Its just if were in tune with ourselves to hear that moment.
I think about the wishers in my life a lot, what is it telling me. Its telling me "we will be ok, this is what was planned." Even though I didnt hear  it before, or really like it, its it.  When it all boils down. I am who I am now because of this, we CAN have a family, it may not look like the one i had in mine, it may not arrive the way i thought it would, it may not even look the way i thought it should, but I will have a family, of my own, someday.

So with that, I am noticing to appreciate the little things, because they are what is making up of my life! the little whispers in life.
think about what are the whispers in your life?
your life is speaking to you, what is it saying?

XOXO- 

wherever you are- my love will find you

So you often hear me refer to Clayton's book or Clayton's story, well I'm talking about the best book ever!
"wherever you are, my love will find you" by Nancy Tillman.
This book is a must have for kids & adults! I was so excited this last weekend while out shopping, to see Kohl's had it as their special book & for $5!!! (kohls cover is different)
This is a book is my "must give" as a gift for children or baby gifts, I want everyone to know the power of love & why this book was so special to Clayton, Marcus & I. & why it has become the story behind his life!

So a little history on how this all came about to be "his" book-

So back when Marcus & I first found out we were expecting, I was at Target in the kids book section, & I find this book, I start to read it, as Im standing in the isle reading, tearing up, i realize i HAD to have it! It was so true! So I bought the book, long before anyone knew we were expecting. I'd read it occasionally while I was pregnant. Then when Clayton was born & so sick it was a must in the NICU, Marcus & I often read it to him and I could tell, he loved it as much as we did. Then after Clayton passed, the book made all the more sense and fit our story so much more. Love was now following him onto heaven. Wherever he was going, our love was finding him. At his funeral Chaplin Noelle read the book, we had wanted her to because it was the story behind our love for Clayton & we wanted him & everyone else to know the true love. I still read the book, when I'm having a hard day or just when I feel like it. I go in the nursery, sit in the recliner, & read, I sometimes read aloud, but others I just read to myself & Clayton. Because he will always be my first son & this will always be HIS book!

the little sparkles are the LOVE following wherever you go

"And if someday you’re lonely,
or someday you’re sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you’ve been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of
the sea... in the clouds floating by...
at the top of a tree... in the sound
crickets make at the end of the day...

“You are loved. You are loved. You are
loved,” they all say.

I am in love with this book & it's message. It's a beautiful story of Love. And that was all the Clayton's life was about, LOVE.

No matter where you go Clayton, my Love will find you!

Because  

YOU ARE LOVED

Happy 4 month B-day Clayton

Happy Birthday little man!! You'd be 4 months old today, wow has time gone by. Some days I think it feels like just yesterday, others I feel like it's been a lifetime ago. Maybe it's because of how much I've changed. This journey sure has changed me, thanks to Clayton. This is the journey God had planned for us, it's a hard journey, but it is making me who I will be tomorrow.

So today, on Clayton's 4 month birthday. I reflect back on the other month birthdays, this one feels diffrent. Maybe it's because I'm getting used to the ache in my heart, or maybe it's because I know Clayton is in heaven having a wonderful time. It doesn't make me miss him less, it just makes it hurt a little less.
I have talked about my obsession with reading, well one of the books im deap into now is "Healing a greiving parents heart" it has 100 things to help mend your broken heart.(well attempt to) One suggested, writting a letter to your baby. So I thought it was good to do today, on his 4 month birthday.

Dear Clayton:
what i miss the most about you: I miss your sweet face & wild man hair! but really I miss your spirit, your strength & your Love.
what I wish I'd said to you: nothing really, I told you that you were such a strong boy & that Mommy & daddy loved you so much & that it was ok for you to go to Heaven, we'd see you again someday! 
what is the hardest for me now: It's the milestones, the firsts I don't get to experience, not that I never will someday, I just miss them with you, I wanted them with YOU!
What I'd like to ask you: who held you first in heaven? & will your siblings be healthy?
I'm keeping your memory alive by: talking about you daily, having your pictures all over the house, writing a blog, your memory bracelets, a just simply loving you with every breath I take.

I love you & miss you so terribly much, because of you, I have truely been given a wonderful gift. A gift of unconditional love. I have learned life isnt always easy, nor fair, but remembering the past, allows hoping for the future possible.
I Love you Clayton Michael- Happy 4 month birthday! XOXO-Mommy

Grateful

Today is a new day, the begining of a new season. So I thought I'd reflect on what im grateful for. Yes, there are still some things im grateful for!! :)
Clayton is still on my mind 24/7 but.......
I am functioning. I am sleeping okay. I am eating. I am laughing. I am crying. I am heart-broken. I am hopeful. I am changed. I am grateful, so very grateful.

I am grateful that I have Marcus, my friends and my family who have been my support through all this.
I am grateful that I have inner strength.
I am grateful that I have begun my journey on the road to inner peace.
I am grateful for the bad days because they make the good days so much better.
I am grateful for the opportunity to be a Mother.
I am grateful I am Clatyton's mommy.
I am grateful that I am healing.
I am grateful for hope.
I am grateful I suffer the agony of my heartbreak every single day so that my son didn’t have to.
I am grateful no other decision or experience during the rest of my life will be as tragic and heart-breaking as this one has been. Atleast I pray for that.

I am grateful, truely grateful.
XOXO-Emily

what is worthy of your blackboard?

I have now become obsessed with reading! Reading anything that somewhat relates to our story, or a story of baby loss. We don't know a lot of people personally that have unfortantly become a part of this "group" so anything i can relate to & not feel such like the "odd man out" I'm all about it! So recently I have been reading other blogs, about family's who have also lost the loves of their lives, their children. I came accross an article, where the Late Elizabeth Edwards spoke about the loss of her son, and and what it felt like.

I have often described the death of a child in this way: in life we have a blackboard on which we write all the things we are doing -- our jobs, coaching soccer, working at Goodwill, going to basketball games, whatever. And the board is full, so when the next thing comes along, we find a corner or the board to add a computer class or a space between other things for book club or sewing Halloween costumes. It is full and lively and seemingly all important.

And then your child dies, and all the things that were so important that you worked to squeeze them in? Well, they are all erased. And you are left with an empty blackboard. Everything you thought was important was not. And the next time you write something on the board, you are very, very careful about what it is. Your choices about what to do and how to do it are so much more deliberate. That is worth some of the space. And putting something on the board, well, it allows you -- in your words -- to function another day. And each day that you find something else worthy of the board makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other. And each day you functioned the day before makes it easier to function again. Are there still bad moments, even bad days nearly twelve years later? Sadly, there are. But they are not as frequent and they don't happen in that same emptiness you feel today. Now when they happen, we can turn to something that we have written, something worthy of our time, of his parents' time and we can function through that pain. As you will -- not without [your child], but with [your child]* not as a living, breathing daughter [or son] but as an inspiration and a helper to decide what is worthy of your blackboard.

Wow- I'd say she hit it on the head! thats it!
So as you go through your day, think about this. It's things like this, that give me hope.

Make today a beautiful day.

little band of memory

I am so humbled by all the continued love and support we receive from everyone. Especially with the resent request for Clayton's memorial bracelets, with every single request, my  heart is mending back together, bit by bit. Although I will never mend completely, I find comfort in this  & I smile when I look down at my wrist and remember my  sweet boy that has given so many people a gift, a gift of LOVE. With the little black band of memory I am also reminded of the journey we have been on. It's be one hell of a ride! I continue to "keep on trucking" on down the road! It hasn't been easy, but in some way, I am thankful for it. It has opened my eyes to LIFE & LOVE, sure there was life & love inside me before, but nothing compared to this. I am not the same person, but I know I am a better person because of all this.  I know this is the life God intended for Clayton & us to have, although i dont yet know why, nor am i yet "happy" about it, but I know that this is all I have and I'm left to make the best of it. 

So on I go, "keep on trucking"  and being thankful everyday for what I do have, with the little black bracelet following me on the journey.

Clayton's memorial bracelets

Clayton's Memorial Bracelets are here!!!! 

$3 each (or whatever you want to donate. all the $ we raise will be donated to the UI children's hospital & MDA

sizes- youth- black

adult- black or gold

they say- ALWAYS WITH ME~~CLAYTON MICHAEL

please let me know if you would like one

XOXO- mommy